Well… didn’t my down days just about ignite a civil war in cyberspace? Gosh, I don’t know how, but it seems we all made it out alive. Phew… that was close! (Note to self: avoid that topic like the plague, at least for a little while) OK, everyone with me… deep breath… hold it… heavy sigh. There, that’s much better, isn’t it? We can now successfully shut the door on that set of dark days for now. Good news, though! This current episode of absolute craziness has led me to a realization! An epiphany, if you will. Let me fill you in.
Given the notoriety that has fallen into my lap, I’ve decided to embrace it! And profit from it as well! And now, since my last little endeavor all but incited a riot on the information superhighway involving Sony’s, Dell’s, and iMac’s as weapons of mass destruction… I feel that I finally have developed what they call "street cred" with the punk/angst ridden/emo portion of the population. My rise to fame is complete! I now have equal parts fame and infamy. Just like P. Diddy (is that his name today?) once attempted, I can now follow through with my master plan… total world domination!
I have officially made it "cool" to be paralyzed! Oh yeah, that’s right. Like snap bracelets and hammer pants, being injured is going to be the new fad. It is going to completely replace "metro." Pretty soon everyone will be saying Ashton Kutcher… who? I will be the new trendsetter. Maybe I will get my own Punk’d-like television show, only mine will target no one but those involved in health care. And of course, after I fulfill that contract, I will have the television execs DYING to start the TV show I wrote about some time back. And then there is Christmas! Every teenager is going to want a broken neck! Don’t be surprised to see me on TRL sometime VERY soon.
Little does everyone know, there has been a heated battle going on over my endorsements. Right Guard is looking to have me be the face of their new deodorant they are developing. Feeding off the success of the PowerStripe, they are now working on a new product called the ParaStripe! The stripe will consist of a highly concentrated anesthetic on top of odor blocker. Just apply once daily to your underarms, and your upper extremities will be numb for up to 12 hours! Apparently they are having a little trouble in the labs, so don’t expect to see this product until around 2008, if we are lucky. Plus, I don’t think Goodyear is getting anywhere with my wheelchair tire designs, so we might have to bag that one.
But all that’s only chump change, anyways. The real money is going to come from my clothing endorsements. There is a disturbingly vicious three-way competition at the moment between Nike, Abercrombie & Fitch, and The Gap. All are approaching me with large signing bonuses, and rather good ideas. Nike is looking at developing a new line of low performance nonathletic clothing that looks promising. Of course, they will have to change their slogan to "Just Lay There," but that’s not too much of a stretch. Maybe flatten out the swoosh a little as well.
Abercrombie is more just looking for a spokesperson, one that promotes the apathetic/arrogant lifestyle their stores have always been accustomed to. And honestly, who better than the pioneer of the spinal cord movement to peddle overpriced threads for those bastards? They are offering quite a lot upfront, but I’m still on the fence with the whole idea. I would rather not just be a pretty wheelchair they parade through commercials. I’m thinking I want a little more creative control.
I guess that’s probably why I am leaning towards The Gap. Not only are they offering a tremendous contract package, but absolute creative control as well! Oh, the possibilities! First thing, I am definitely bringing back the Flock of Seagulls haircut, for sure! I will not get into any of my exact design plans quite yet, just think Peter Pan meets Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. I know what you are thinking… sheer brilliance. The only stipulation they have is that they still get to sell their main breadwinner. That’s OK, we will adjust…
Just think next spring… Crippled Khaki… it will be great!
Come on… it’s okay… really… just a little laugh?… A slight giggle?… How about a smirk?… oh… oh… THERE WE GO!!! That’s more like it!!!