Crosses to bear

Everyone has a cross to bear, doesn’t matter who you are.  And although mine is a rather heavy load, I try to carry it as quietly as possible.  But sometimes you buckle under the weight, and just want to scream.  This is me screaming/venting… They say that everything happens for reason.  Is this my purpose?  Is this going to be my job for life?  A muse?  An inspiration to the masses?  Am I just a web site that reminds people to appreciate their lives? 

Well… I hate this job.  I don’t want it, never did.  I never wanted to be this person that realigns perspectives about life.  I want a life of my own!  I never wanted notoriety, I just wanted a simple, boring little life.  I didn’t want to change the world for thousands… I just wanted to do it for one girl.  A life completely under the radar, except to that one person.  But I don’t get to live my own life anymore, everyone else does.  I get to stand off to the side, and watch life pass me by.  For everyone else, life goes on without me.  I’m nothing more than a spectator now.  Nothing but entertainment for the multitudes. 

And to top it off… I am cursed with being a hopeless romantic.  You know, there’s a reason it’s called hopeless.  I just want a normal brain, a normal heart.  Not this hyperactive, overly analytical brain that drives me insane each night.  And maybe one of those hearts that actually rests nicely under your rib cage, not planted firmly on your sleeve.  But Noooooo, not this guy.  I have always been known to shoot way out of my league, and that hasn’t changed.  Now, the "unattainable" group has just grown exponentially.  I fall for girls that I will never have.  There’s always a reason I can’t have them; they are taken, too guarded, emotionally unavailable, or too busy.  There will always be something more appealing.

But the worst thing is not even being considered or noticed.  I can’t even count how many times I have met someone who is "totally moved, and inspired" by the person I am… and then they say "Now, if I could just find a guy like that."  That is a good reminder of my new reality.  Instead of having a perfect relationship… I am this faceless inspiration that guides people through their own.  While my heart and soul appeal to everyone… the fact of the matter is this is not a life you want to join.  Everyone thinks that they can… but really it’s not possible. 

Adding insult to injury, is the fact that I know I have less to offer.  What most people don’t know, is that I was the same person I am now before I was hurt.  "A Broken Man’s Plea" wasn’t just something I came up with after I got hurt… it was who I was.  It’s difficult to know that I only have 50% of myself to offer someone.  And the physical stuff does not mean sexually.  I’m talking about holding her hand, putting a ring on her finger, dancing at the wedding, etc.   Knowing this, I’ve come to the realization that I will probably never be a woman’s first choice.  I think a woman will have to have experienced everything she wanted in life and exhausted all other avenues before they realize that the connection is all that matters. 

And I’ve always clung to the idea that if you love someone, you want the best for them.  You can see how this puts me in a difficult place.  I find myself battling the concept that were I to love again, how could I live with myself knowing that I want more for that person.  I know that everyone thinks I am extremely unique, one-of-a-kind, but I disagree.  I know there are guys out there with my same mentality that can still give the other 50% as well.  With that in mind, I find it difficult to find comfort in the fact that I could possibly be enough for a woman.  Long story short… I would give my life for just 10 more minutes of being ridiculously happy.  I just have to come to terms with the fact that I am only built for friendships now.

Let me remind you, this is just me venting.  No offense, but nothing anyone can say can take this pain away from me, I’m sorry.  This is a cross I have to bear.  No need to cheer me up.  I DO NOT WANT pity, advice, prayer, or lecturing.  I’m allowed to have down days, but it will pass, not to worry.

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