I wake up in the morning having had another one of those dreams where I regain movement in my arms and legs. They are always so vivid, so clear. Every touch completely realistic, every smell so real you could almost taste them. It starts out slow, me faintly beginning to move. At first, I don’t believe it. Then I concentrate a little bit, and find that I actually am moving just slightly. I pick my hand up just a few inches off my bed, and it falls limply back down. "You can do this, Kenny," I remind myself.
I focus on that one hand only, but nothing. Come on. After a few more tries, it comes into the air again, this time higher. I slowly bend my fingers in and out, feeling the tightness that has built up from over a year of paralysis. I rub my hands together, and savor the rush of sensation. "Welcome back, boys. It’s been awhile." I run my hands over my body, feeling each muscle begin to come to life. It is a long, drawn out process, but I slowly gain more motor function until I am able to sit up. I run my fingers through my hair and across my face. I had forgotten what everything felt like, it had been so long. I lay myself back down to rest after an arduous work out of movement, and then I wake up.
Every time I wake up from one of those dreams, I swear it wasn’t one. It couldn’t have been. It was real, it happened this time. "OK, one more time," I think to myself. I take a slow, deep breath, and prepare myself for another workout. I look down to my hands once more, and tell them to move. They don’t. What about my elbows? Nothing. Shoulders? Same story. This can’t be happening… I JUST moved 10 minutes ago. I just need to concentrate, that must be the problem. I’m just not focused enough. Maybe I will start with my legs. Again, nothing happens.
NO! IT JUST HAPPENED!! I KNOW IT DID!!! This is about the time that it just becomes pathetic. My conscience of course knows that it was just a dream, but my mind is not willing to accept that fact. For hours on end, I desperately focus on my body, begging it to move again, with no result. I try focusing on the smallest of movements… just bending my fingers or toes, anything. But still, nothing happens. My face covered in tears, I finally give up, crushed. Looks like it’s another day of being paralyzed, let’s just hope I don’t get stuck somewhere in between reality and my dreams again tonight.
16 Comments Add yours
I have that somewhere in between awareness too, but mine is waking to no pain. You get more milage out of that dreadful moment though. I don\’t get more that a split second. For years I dreamed I was levitating maybe 10-20\’ above the ground, like I had one of those power packs on my back. I could move from place to place EFFORTLESSLY, but the power pack was invisible so no one knew how I could do this, but I loved it and looked forward to it night after night.Then one day my doctor changed my medication, and I never levitated after that. I still think about it and wish the dream would come back.
I have read your blog from time to time, with great interest, but not enough to know what you do with your time besides work on getting better, but I always hope that you are or will be using your immense intelligence to write professionally. You are an amazing, interesting, engrossing, natural and (everything else wonderful) writer.
P.S. YOU are so much more than a "professional quadraplegic" and you have youth on your side. Never underestimate youth and use it while you have it. YOU have the makings of being a "professional great all around person." I hope I\’ll come back to your space someday and find a new "professional identification." YOU are so much more than your affliction. YOU are a neat guy.(Was that toooo cheerful and upbeeeat? I don\’t mean to be Susie Sunshine. I just believe in you)
Am I becoming a bore? Last post for now, honest.I have this posted on my space about me. I posted it a week or so ago when I was really low. You might not feel it applies to you, but change a few words and you might identify with it. It was the first thing I\’ve ever read that makes me feel that someone else KNOWS about pain.A Thief "Chronic pain is a thief. It breaks into your body and robs you blind. With lightning fingers, it can take away your livelihood, your marriage, your friends, your favorite pastimes and big chunks of your personality. Left unapprehended, it will steal your days and your nights until the world has collapsed into a cramped cell of suffering."Time Mgazine, Feb. 28, 2005
Sounds Familiar,Can\’t figure out if those dreams are a great escapes or slaps in the face.I appreciate your posts.
huh. sounds like my first time to a mall in New Jersey that my friend took me too. Neiman Marcus, Dolce & Gabanna…what could I possibly afford there? i think i followed her like a lost lemming. and after all that…i only thought to myself, "just how did i end up in here?" what a scary experience…
Your "dreams" sound more like out-of-body or astral projections. Have you explored that possibility? Also, what do you think about the stemcell research and electronic muscle stimulation like Chris Reeves had luck with. I\’d just like your opinion.
Just from reading your blogs you are an amazing person. I don\’t know if I would have the courage that you have. People complain (I include myself in this) about small things that do not even compare to what you go through. Instead of complaining you choose to write down your experiences so that others like me can learn from you. Your determination is undeniable.
Hey KennyI\’ve been reading your site for about a month now, and I must say you have an amazing ability! You are definetly an inspiration to us all.When I read the title to this blog, the first thing I thought of was one of my favorite songs. If your a country fan I recommend listening to the song. Its called "Somewhere In Between" by Phil Vassar. I think you\’d like it. Let me know what you think!
I have an "are you lost" story!But it\’s long and boring.All I can say is that familiar line: This one time at band camp…
OH MY GOODNESS THAT WAS DEEP! DEEP! YOU ARE AN EXCELLENT WRITER.
hey kenny, sorry i havent commented in ages, im trying to catch up on reading, i went away to see my older brother for a while. Everytime i read your blog i am inspired, your writing is unbeleavble, yous how such strength and courage. Some people would jsut give up in your siuation but not you, you show such persaverance. You are a strong man. Never give up hope, because sometimes hope is all enyone has.Love,peace and a big toothy smile!casxoxox
Wow! Treasure those dreams. You\’ll dance again one day. God has great plans for you. : )
Need a tissue… beautiful. Mrs. Victor… God bless you. xoxo
Yvonne / Canada
that kicks ass!
ha ha ha
i just laughed out loud at work, and a few heads turned my way to see if i\’d finally lost my mind… i\’m sure someone, somewhere, can help make those bing-dreams come true! 🙂
keep kickin\’ ass and takin\’ names.