Clarification

I still find myself wondering to this day… could she have been that once-in-a-lifetime?  That one true love of my life?  Looking back… I would say that it’s EASILY possible.  Where to start?  The beginning, I suppose.  I knew I wanted to keep her in my life forever the first night we met… and she felt the same.  We had each held respective crushes for one another for some time, and once we met… fireworks.  We instantly became "that couple."  You know those couples.  The ones that make everyone equally jealous and nauseated simultaneously?  That was us.  She was the most beautiful, passionate, and full of life person I had ever met.  She brought out the best in me, ALWAYS.  She made me feel invincible.  Five and a half months after our first kiss, disaster struck.
 
Aside from my mother, she is without a doubt the strongest woman I know.  This was fully illustrated during my three months in the hospital.  She was inches from dropping out of school to take care of me, before I begged her to return and finish.  She did so only for me.  For three months, she drove two hours over the mountain pass every Friday afternoon, and stayed with me in the hospital until late Sunday evening.  My stay in the hospital was miserable, and she was the only thing that would make things better.  Doctors would see her come into the hospital on Fridays, and say "thank God."  They knew that once she walked through the door… I would be happy again.
 
Every Friday without fail, she would walk through my hospital room door with that gorgeous smile and a chipper, "Hello handsome!"  No matter how much pain I was in, it would all disappear in that moment.  She would climb up next to me in my hospital bed and fall asleep with her head on my shoulder every night.  At any given moment, I could look down and see her holding my lifeless hand in hers.  She would stay up all hours of the night with me, reminiscing about the first four days we spent together.
 
Upon discharge from the hospital, the depression set in.  Hard.  I was miserable.  I could do nothing but stare at the wall and cry for hours on end.  I was subconsciously pushing her away, while trying to hold on to her too tightly at the same time, if that makes sense. She was unaffected for a long time, relentlessly trying to raise my spirits.  As the summer wore on, her strength finally began to wear down.  She was feeling pressure from all angles, and things were just too much finally.
 
In an e-mail to my mother a few days after she left, she said that her leaving was not because of a lack of love.  I fully believe that.  For one moment, put yourself in her shoes.  She was not even 23, and had just endured one of the most painful events she may probably ever experience.  All of our dreams as we knew them had just been snatched away.  Every day, she tried SO HARD to raise the spirits of the man she loved, to no avail.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch the love of your life completely give up on living… and you can do absolutely nothing about it?  If she had not left, I would have dragged her down to the bottom with me.
 
When you say that she has no idea what she was missing, it is completely out of line.  As she saw things in that time period, I wasn’t coming out of things.  I didn’t think I would either.  Had she known that I would finally make it out of the darkness, I’m confident that she would have been the one person that could have made this life work.  My family and friends still speak of her strength often, and we know that her unwavering positive attitude was something that carried us through some very hard times.  So before everyone starts judging this wonderful woman, ask yourself two questions: How strong was I at 22 years old?  How would I have reacted in the face of such an enormous tragedy, honestly?  Unless you’ve actually been there, you will never really know…
 
Thank you Hallie, I would be nowhere near the man I am today were it not for the strength and love you showed in such abundance those last six months…I may have carried you in this picture… but you carried me through some of my darkest days.

 

Comments

  1. Kenny, that was beautiful…and heartbreaking. I\’m sure Hallie knows what she did for your spirit, and I hope she\’s still in your life in some capacity. I\’d give just about anything for someone to feel about me, the way you feel about her…and vice versa.

  2. After reading the entries on your blog, I am ashamed of all the times I have felt sorry for myself. You are making many people realize the little things that are taken for granted every day. I, for one, am humbled.

  3. Hi Kenny,I first came across your site a few days and like so many others I am now hooked and check it daily to see if you have anything new to say. Today\’s entry was very sad. You sound like you are still very much in love with Hallie and you are blaming yourself for your break-up. I don\’t know if I should say this, but I will anyway-you say you would have dragged her down to the bottom if she had stayed. I disagree. Obviously the love you two shared would have gotten you through anything. I agree she was young and stuff you think you know at 22 you realize you didn\’t even come close to knowing when you turn 32. When I was that age I too thought I had met the love of my life and when we broke up I could not handle it and tried to commit suicide, that\’s how much pain I was in. I figured I couldn\’t go on and I\’d lost the one thing that had ever been good in my life. I am so glad I called a friend of mine, who in turn called 911, she saved my life. I look back on that day and realize that yes, I did love that person and shared what I thought then was a lifetime of love, but I also look at what I have now and see how much my life has changed (in some ways for the better, and in some ways not so much so) since then and I\’ve found it was all meant to be, even the trip to the hospital that night. I guess what I\’m trying to say is that she was in your life right then to help you through what will probably be your worst ordeal, and then she was meant to move on. And as I had said before in a previous comment, maybe you two would have broken up anyway even if you hadn\’t been in your accident, you never know. That\’s the beauty and tragedy of life in a nutshell-you never know what\’s going to happen tomorrow. I\’m sure your words have touched and helped a great many people, and if you hadn\’t become a quadraplegic could you say that? Maybe, maybe not. I know your story has touched me and I will continue to be faithful to your postings here. Even if you never get to read my comments I\’m going to keep making them, it feels good to talk to someone even if that someone I\’ve never met. Take care of yourself.–TenaP.S. I too am wondering, do you still keep in touch with her?

  4. Kenny,Again I find myself reading your latest entry and tonight I really felt tears. I totally think of Hallie in a new light now. What you two had was so great and I hope that you can find each other again in the future. I can understand how you both were young and your were trying to push her away but you are still the same person whether or not you can walk should not matter to either of you. Leigh

  5. I\’m speechless 🙂 Have a great Sunday, Kenny. Take care.

  6. well, I\’m speechless as well.. i just hope to have a gf like yours… : )Take care Kenny!

  7. Hallie sounds like a beautiful person. I hope God brings her back into your life one day.

  8. every time i read something you write, it moves me like no other reading. wow.*hugs*stacey

  9. dying2die says:

    KENNY .. LET ME NOT HOLD THESE WORDS PLSZZ. I HAVEPASSED SAME TIME .. BUT I HAD NO1 TO HOLD MY FINGER EVEN:( .. U R LUCKY MY FRN D.. I PRAY GOD TO HEAL U SOON (AMEN) .. AT THE EXPENSE OF MY LIFE(AMEN)

  10. thanks so much for writing this. I never judged her once, and was sort of getting sick of ppl bad mouthing something/someone they had no idea about. ANyways, thanks again lol- Debs

  11. i was inspired by your views on life and love. one truly cannot appreciate life until the day when they are tested…it\’s life\’s cruel nature. may i suggest a movie that i recently watched called The Sea Inside. (you did note that you like mindf?ck movies?? Try also Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) Keep in mind that the underlined meaning is recognizing the happiness that you bring others by inspiring them thru words and your presence. just hoping you realize that you have made a difference to me and many others…..one of your many fans. =)

  12. Thanks Kenny for the work it takes to keep your blog going. I use Dragon Naturally Speaking for work and I know how tough it can be at times to get the words right. I work for a health center and "health" comes out "hell." *LOL* Freudian, I know! But while reading your blog I wondered if you have a dog. Silly question I know but if you visit my blog, you will see my stress management in the form of two boxers. Unfortunately I doubt I ever have a love like you had with Kallie (count yourself lucky for finding at least once! some of us never do), but I find the unconditional love of my boxer babies is entertaining, heart wrenching (that any animal can love you THIS much) and the innocence of a puppy till the day they die. Boxers are just now training as assisting dogs. The best of both worlds. Since you were an Athlete prior to the accident, you can appreciate this dogs physical attributes as well. So tell us, do you have a dog? If you want to see into the eyes of the love a boxer can give, visit my blog. Otherwise, I appreciate your blogging.

  13. Wow! You are such an awesome guy! I really wish I would\’ve stumbled across your page prior to you becoming so famous, that way we might\’ve actually been able to communicate back and forth. But now that you are being bombarded with comments, I understand that it is difficult. I must say that reading your thoughts, really makes the human mind culminate thoughts about how "would it be if" scenarios. I think that no one truly knows how they would react to something until they really go through it. But I only HOPE that I would have the strength and courage as you do. Why is it that it takes something as serious as you have been through for us outsiders to get a grip on reality and not take things for granted. As cliche as this sounds, God wouldn\’t give you something you couldn\’t handle. So obviously you are a very strong person. The way that you express your feelings to everyone in a Broken Man\’s Plea is amazing. I need to not take things so for granted. I wish I could be your arms, legs, hands, and feet, and let you experience for even just a moment the things you miss so dear. Trust me, I would love to give you traffic back! Like I told my grandmother the day before she passed, "If I could kiss the pain away I would, but I can\’t, I only hope it helps to know I would if I could", so here\’s to you Kenny, I wish I could. 🙂 God Bless You and I hope to read about you and Hallie very soon.

  14. wow that one brought me to tears. I hope that she reads this and can see what actually happened. I dont know if there is still any hope in her heart but if there is you never know. This happen. You seem to be very together with yourself now and maybe that is why she left. I dont know but for some reason I believe things happen for a reason. Now I have never been in your situation but you never know it is possible that you still have your true calling and that maybe she left for a reason and that may be so you realize that you can still be strong. Good luck!!!

  15. You should listen to "Raven" by Lisa Marie. I know she wrote it for her mother, but it still fits. Well at least parts of it fit, Hallie being your strong and beautiful Raven. 🙂 Check out the lyrics if you get a chance. http://www.lisapresley.com/music/now_what/raven.html

  16. It takes a real man, to do what u did…letting her go, because she is the one u truly love…ppl now a days only think of themselves but u r an exeption…there is a saying in spanish "si amas algo dejalo libre si vuelve a ti es por que es tuyo, si no vuelve es por que nunca lo fue" basically meaning: If u love someone set them free, if they come back its because its ment to be…if not its because it would never be. U have the courage of a thousand men…and alot of women look for the heart that u posses…keep up being the down to earth, heartfelt, and awsome person u are! we love you…we are deeply all fans of ur work, and ur an inspiration to everyone that encounters your space…ur allways in our mind…God bless u-Rai Lasa-

  17. And I\’d give up forever to touch you\’Cause I know that you feel me somehowYou\’re the closest to heaven that I\’ll ever beAnd I don\’t want to go home right nowAnd all I can taste is this momentAnd all I can breathe is your life\’Cause sooner or later it\’s overI just don\’t want to miss you tonightAnd I don\’t want the world to see me\’Cause I don\’t think that they\’d understandWhen everything\’s made to be brokenI just want you to know who I am

  18. Hello Kenny,I want to thank you for sharing your story. I am so honor to read your blog…your courage and your strength is unbelievable. The love that you two had was an amazing love…both of you are very strong and I am so grateful.I love stories like yours it always helped gain strength of who I am now.I am not sure if you have heard about Joni Ericson Tada…her books and message helped me a lot too. She was once a swimmer and a horse rider and then tragedy happened to her when she was swimming.Kenny, you are very strong and thank you..you have touched my heart.I am so proud of the strength the you have.In prayer and hugs to you,Lalane

  19. I sure hope your spirit has risen! You have a way with words, and thinking positively about her is great, you are a great man!

  20. my "hallie" was named tonya…she was one of the most beautiful women i\’ve ever known. she would come to see me in the hospital, and lay there in the bed with me, just talking about what had happened that day. it made me feel so much better to have her around, to feel her body next to mine…she moved to louisiana shortly after i got out of the hospital.i never knew she was leaving. she never told me goodbye,but in my heart, i know she just couldn\’t bear to say those words.she loved me more than any other woman ever has.she carried me through some of my darkest days…just thinking of her still brings a smile to my face, and i\’ll never forget the love and kindness she shared with me.i know firsthand what you mean in this post.our lives have been touched for the better.thanks for bringing back memories!

  21. I wish you could recover soon, and hope you and your Hallie will be together in future, I don\’t know how, but I will keep my fingers for both you and her, I hope you feel better. Sometimes words are helpless…

  22. Hello hun, I have now set my space to private. Long story why, but if you want to be able to view it then you need to send me a e mail at babykarma_1@hotmail.com. I will add you to the list. ~~Anne~~

  23. Hey Kenny, I totally understand your feelings about your ex girlfriend. How she was there for you through the toughest times in your life, and how its hard for someone our age to go through that big of a crisis. She was a trooper for being able to handle what she did, most girls I know would have bailed in a second. You were very lucky. I have never had to go through something like you have but in a way, I had to go through some really tough emotional things during the course of three years. And I thank God that through it all I had my boyfriend to help me through. I had three totally unexpected deaths in my family, starting with my favorite uncle, then my aunt, and my father as the last one. And they all were huge emotional blows, and even though we had our share of troubles, my boyfriend stood by me through it all, and when my dad died, he wouldn\’t leave my side for a minute. I know it was hard on him to see so much emotion coming from my family and being tossed into the thick of it, so I can totally understand from your point of view, and your ex\’s. She sounds like a great girl, and trust me if its ment to be you two will be back together, if its the right thing, or she might have been your saving angel in your time of need. Good luck okay? and always remember to smile, even if it totally sucks.

  24. Kenny,Thank you so much for creating this web page. It\’s an honour to read everything you have to say. I\’m a nursing student working on a neuro-rehab unit, so stumbling across your page came at a particularly good time. It has helped me to better understand my patients and to help them in more ways than I would otherwise. I check your page regularly now… it brings both laughter and tears, but it also brings change to my life. You have truly become an inspiration to me. Please continue to write… you have changed my life for the better, and I know you will continue to do the same for many others.

  25. Wonder where she is now?

  26. Dear Kenny,You really are a very brave and courageous person. This is the 2nd time I felt compelled to comment on your blog entries. The 1st was on your "a broken man\’s plea". I sincerely hope that one day your story will be published as a book. I had tears in my eyes reading about your Hallie. I sincerely hope that one day you will be reunited with her. Regards: Kandi.

  27. Gotcha!!!!!_____ ___________________________________ ____________3333333333_____________ __________33333333333333___________ _________3333________3333__________ ________3333_________3333_________ _________3333________3333__________ __________3333_____________________ ____________3333333333333__________ ______________________3333_________ _________3333__________3333________ _________3333_________3333_________ __________333333333333333__________ ____________33333333333____________ ___________________________________ ___________________________________ _________333333333333333333________ _________333333333333333333________ _________3333______________________ _________3333______________________ _________33333333333_______________ _________33333333333_______________ _________3333______________________ _________3333______________________ _________333333333333333333________ _________333333333333333333________ ___________________________________ ___________________________________ _______33333____________33333______ _________33333________33333________ __________33333______33333_________ ____________33333__33333___________ _______________333333______________ _______________333333______________ ____________33333__33333___________ __________33333______33333_________ _________33333________33333________ _______33333____________33333______ ___________________________________ ___________________________________ _______33333____________33333______ _________33333________33333________ ___________33333____33333__________ ____________33333__33333___________ _______________333333______________ ________________3333_______________ ________________3333_______________ ________________3333_______________ ________________3333_______________ ________________3333_______________ TAG UR IT! THIS IS A SEXYY TRAIN IF U RECIEVE THIS IT MEANS UR FREAKIN SEXY…. IF U GET THIS BACK UR EVEN SEXIERR…SEND THIS TO 10 PEOPLE…<<

  28. You truly are amazing. There\’s someone out there just waiting to meet you. One day your paths will take that same turn and you will meet. Take care, ~ Rowan

  29. Way to go Kenny for setting the record straight. I was uneasy about the reaction people had about Hallie. None of us were wearing her shoes. I said earlier that "it was a shame that she wasn\’t strong enough, or mature enough" in a post were I was trying to defend her position. I realize that even that can be misconstrued. I mean that it\’s just a damn shame that you two aren\’t still together. What a fantastic "Thank you" to the girl who kept you going. Can it be possible to admire you more?God Bless, Kim

  30. I am so glad that you wrote that about her. I know that it was hard for you to see her go but to love someone is to want only the best for them. I wonder, does she ever keep in contact with you or any of your family? I hope she has come across this page and knows that true love brought you through and she should be proud of herself even if a part of her hates herself for leaving. please keep writing, you\’ve made so many people love life and the people around them more.take care

  31. Kenny, You’ve got yourself quite a fan club, Mr. Popular! I just had a couple thoughts I wanted to share with you. I think every one of us would like to think that we could handle a situation like you and Hallie were thrown into. We like to think that we’re the type of person that would stick around. But, from what I’ve learned so far in life… you never know how you’d handle a situation until you’re in it. I know personally I’ve been in relationship situations that I handled completely different than I thought I would.I would also like to mention that when I was in college, I became good friends with a guy who, like you, was athletic… the whole nine yards. When he was in high school he was in a car accident that left him paralyzed. We were friends for a couple years in college and his positive attitude and outlook just absolutely changed me as a person. Of course, I didn’t know him during the “dark” days, but the person he was when I knew him changed my soul. I think people come in and out of our lives for a reason, and I’m glad that mine and his paths crossed, he was a great friend. So, from one corner of the country to the other… I’m also glad our paths have crossed. Too bad you’re so far away… because you’re my kind of people, Kenny! I think we’d get along great as friends…Cori

  32. Hey Kenny,Once again you touch my heart. I want to say I am sorry about what I said in my comment under "Foreshadowing." Not sure if you read it but I said that if she truly loved you she wouldn\’t have given up. I know it must have been hard. But I still hold firm to my belief that Love is the strongest thing in this world. I am sure a part of her still loves you. Again, I will bring up the notion that everything happens for a reason and maybe you met her to be there for you and to help you when you were at your lowest point in your life. I am glad you wrote this passage to "clarify" that she isn\’t the person who, obviously, a lot of your fans assumed she was. Most of those people have never been in a situation even comparable to you and Hallie\’s. I know my parents are different, they were together for 9 years before the accident, and now 10 after, but they believed that this would only make them stronger. I don\’t know if you have hope that she will come back to you or if you are still friends, I hope you are. If not, I hope you haven\’t given up on finding someone who will make you feel that way again. I hope you find your puzzle piece, who ever she is, she must be amazing to catch someone like you. I hope she only dances with you, she greets you with a warm hug and a kiss, and does her best to give you everything that you miss about your old life. You are in my thoughts. Thank you Kenny, for being so………well words can\’t express. Wish I could touch you the way that you have touched me.davina

  33. Kenny:I live in Panama, Republic of Panama (Central America), and I read your story when it was featured as the best of MSN Spaces; it´s a great story…a very inspiring one.I totally agree with you about Halle: it is not possible to judge her unless we are in the same situation and, it seems to me that she was a very strong woman for her age. I hope that you still remain good friends because the love that you both had is something that remains forever, no matter what. Take care,Ingrid

  34. I have a request. I try to imagine your day. Your routines. What you look forward to. What you dread. If you are ever at a loss for something to post (yeah right), could you describe a day in the life of Kenny?

  35. She sounds like a very strong woman, and I have no doubt that she still loves you very much. Sometimes love isn\’t always enough, and I truly believe if something is meant to be, it will be. You never know what the future holds!

  36. Hi Kenny, we haven\’t heard from you in a few days. I hope all is well. We miss you, I love reading your blog your are such an inspiration.I have made so many copies of your blog and passed it out to my friends.Hope to hear from you soon. Love Debs

  37. I know it is none of my business but are you still in contact with Hallie? I know for a fact that when I was 22 or 23 I would have been there for you through everything. You would have had to tell me to leave. If you told me to leave I would still keep in contact with you. I know you are trying to believe that she was the great love of your life but maybe she was just supposed to be there to help you live through this tragedy; your true love is still out there waiting for you. She won\’t leave you…

  38. It’s funny I never comment on message boards. I rarely use the internet for anything other than research for work and school but for some reason your sight caught my attention. I spent time reading what you had to say and then the comments written by others and I was intrigued. I must admit I was a little troubled by some of the things said and was pleased when I saw what you had written. I don’t want you to think that I am trying to relate, your situation is definitely unique but I’ve been in love. I’m twenty four and was blessed to find that “one” a few years ago. He was my everything! From the very first moment we met we were inseparable. I could almost repeat everything you said about your love and it would apply. Unfortunately something happened in our relationship that although not nearly as dramatic as yours had the same effect. I still love him and do not blame him for needing to walk away. I would give you the details to help you better understand but I’m not sure about this whole message board thing. I just hope that there truly is someone out there who will make me fill that way again. I’ve always believed in fairy tales, love at first sight, and world wind romance. Call me crazy but I’ve experienced it and pray that I’m lucky enough to experience it again.

  39. Hi Kenny:I read your peice about Haillie, she really did sound like an amazing person. However, I am still of the opinion that she lost out. You are a great guy with a LOT to offer the world. Someday, a young lady will come along that knocks your socks off! I hope it\’s sooner than later. Hope your days get better nad your light shines stronger.Take care,Deb

  40. you are truely a man of honor and your word Kenny.You talk about when you find that right person alwaysstick up for her and you still are. You are very right no one can know what they would do in that situation. Sometimes God brings people to you for only a brieftime unfortunely sometimes to help you through hard times. And you are very right she could have been that "one" and most probably was. You got to experiencethat feeling of meeting someone that was your soulmate,that really got you, and that you will still love for the restof your life. Some people never meet that person. DoI wish it could have lasted forever for you no doubt about that. She obviously brought you a lot and vice versa. You will always love her and stick up for her and that goes right along with what you preach to others which is veryadmirable. You have touched my life in many ways which I will tell you personally someday. You saved my life. Good luck Kenny and keeping loving and protecting that "ONE"Andre

  41. I\’d also like to know where Hallie is now. Do you still keep in touch? Thanks for defending her, too, in "Clarification". My admiration for her grows everytime you talk about her. The feelings you express between you and Hallie are so strong–and familiar. Sounds like the relationship I\’m in now. He\’s my strength, and vice versa. Kenny, I can\’t tell you how deeply touched I am, not only through your story, but also through your method of writing. Your talent is astounding. I\’m constantly amazed. Thanks for everything you write. You\’ve truly changed my outlook on life.

  42. Memories…No ONE, noTHING can take them away (as long as you are conscious as far as I know..maybe somehow even if someone was uncounsioius) Think about it, you and her and moments that can never be changed or erased…just you and her, no one else..No matter what..those were YOUR moments. You will ALWAYS have them..cool huh?? 🙂

  43. Haha! Sorry about my lame typos!

  44. Hi Kenny,Once again, a nicely written blog entry here. I thoroughly enjoy reading all that you write. Thanks.Anyway, a question, I\’m not sure if anybody else has asked this or if it has already been covered as I haven\’t the time or interest in perusing your other lovely comments::: Does Hallie read this blog?Just curious. If so, I hope it makes her smile; your tributes to her. I truly am sorry that it seems you have lost the love of your life. There\’s nothing else that can be said about that so I won\’t offer platitudes or ignorant advice. I do wish you well though.Not entirely sure if you read all of your comments as you receive an abundance of them, however, if you should glance upon mine then great. I\’m glad. I would love to correspond with you, but I am sure you have your handle of strangers contacting you so I will just continue to read, and comment as best I can.Affectionately,KA

  45. Man that took guts. I\’m sure you\’d d it for her any day though. I went through the same thing, you have a great description though. I could tell, or could guess what happened from the other post, but thanks for writing this anyway.Write on.buzz

  46. Kenny, your story is very inspiring and your writings are very witty. I think the way you are able to put into words what people in your life mean to you is wonderful. No one knows why these tragedies happen, but you are obviously a beautiful person inside and out. I honestly hope that if I were to ever go through such a hard time, I would be as courageous. -Erin

  47. what would you have done? why cant she still talk to you and remain your friend , even if you two arent together anymore? why is it all or nothing? where is she now?

  48. You know, I was amazed so much by you that I only gave Hallie a fleeting thought. I mean it would have been incredible if she had stuck around for good. But I pretty much expect people to leave in a situation like that especially at this point in they\’re lives. So I wasn\’t shocked or angered by her actions nor did I think to judge her at all, negatively or otherwise.I think if it were me I would have been hard-pressed to stay the course myself. If we had been married I wouldn\’t have even thought of leaving for a second. That love has been confirmed and no matter what happens after that, he will always be the one. But if I were young and dating, then I might think that my dreams of the way I wanted my life to turn out would have to be compromised too and in this you don\’t have a choice but I do. I would never have stopped being in your life, though. You would have had to kick me out and even then I probably wouldn\’t go because once you love people its impossible to stop and imperative that you show it. So I would have eventually tried to build a new relationship with you as we both learned to work through the old one. And maybe in the end I would\’ve realized it was all about you and it will always be about you. You never know. When you really love someone there\’s nothing more important than that.I don\’t know. That\’s a very personal choice.As I tell my friend Tanner, even when he gets all self-destructive and grumpy. I\’m not leaving and since you\’re stuck in that bed/chair you can\’t make me go.

  49. Kenny,I have been reading your writings for a while now and today I just had to respond. I understand. I realize that sounds incredibly superficial, but truly some aspects I do. I was with an incredible man: a stong; athletic; powerful; gorgeous; witty; near perfect man. I fell in love with him. It didn\’t work out but I always loved him. Everyone I know knew I always love him and to me he was the example of what a man should be. He broke his neck and somehow over the course of years we got back together. He\’s in a chair, a C4 injury, limited use in one arm. The ups and downs I could not explain as most people have not an idea of what things are like/have been like for us. To love someone so much, to look at thier face and into their eyes and know perhaps a stronger love doesn\’t exist, and to not have the joys of holding thier hand or dancing at a wedding. … can be very tough. Especially when for a while he wondered what I saw in him; why I was there. To me the answer is so simple: Love. I don\’t think we pick who we love. Sometimes the ulitimate connection exists without reason. Sometimes things are hard and I understand where other people are coming from who\’ve told me, "I don\’t know if I could do it…" When you said that she left and perhaps you would have dragged her down, I understand. Only because I left for a while, nearly a year. I couldn\’t take the darkness of some days when I could do nothing to make it better and could not win for loosing either. Once someone realizes that life goes on and finds the way out of that, it can get so much easier. We do stuff all the time (movies, sporting events, concerts, etc) and it helps make things more… "average" I think. I don\’t know that you will ever get around to reading this but I can relate to both sides. The hard decision to leave; the down days; and the love you feel that keeps you there. He says perhaps he did something right "walking" that built up to us working it out… but really, the person he is now is so extraordinary that it\’s beyond explanation and comprehension. I wish you so much good… so much luck… and so much love. When you spoke of her, it reminded me of him. When I left no matter what he would defend me saying no one really understands the pain of it. However the outcome is … I guess today, I just wanted you to know a few of us do really understand at least some of what you are saying. All my best to you, Renee

  50. Once again your ability to put your thoughts out there amazes me. I have always believed it is better to love and be loved once then never!! Keep writing – I look forward to reading your entries. Have a great day and stay strong. :)Susan

  51. Hey one last thing (I responded to Clarification below) we deal with this a lot. My man always gives the heads up, "what\’s up" glance and says, "if I could man …" Mostly I\’ve noticed now the oppropriate hello from everyone has become, hugs, kisses on the cheek, and they often do that closed fist thing and sort of hits his hand (his buddies do this all the time).. this works pretty well even though he obviously isn\’t matching up the same.

  52. heyyy , yourr such a funnyy personnn! & quite the good lookingg guyy, when i readd your blogs, i tottalyy forget your paralyzed, unless your talking about it of course! butt your sound likee such a great personnn! it would be pretty cool to talk to you sumtimeee! anyways just thhought id lett yah know whut i was thinking onn you spacee hurrr! seeeeeeee you

  53. I\’m glad you put in a clarifications about her. It explains a lot more of her character and yea. I\’m pretty much at a loss of words. But hey, you got me choked up at parts so all\’s well.I use to wonder how a person could leave. That is, if they truly loved someone, what can make them leave even when they know they love that person? It wasn\’t awhile back when I found an answer to that in my own life.Just because you love someone doesn\’t mean you have to be with them. Strangely I came to find this was the most unconditional form of love. The one where you can care about someone, and they know how darn much you do, and still not be in their life because again, strangely being there complicates their life. And sucky how it is that the only way to get things back to normal is by walking out. Seems a bit self-centered but sometimes the best remedy is absence.But hey, enough of my rambling. Good golly haha. You take care now and as always loving the writing/blogs.

  54. Well written. Hallie has a beautiful smile. What a sad love story, for both of you. While I have no idea what its like to be in your place, your words touch me. Your situation is unique (everyone\’s is) but when you talk of love, loss, hurt, hope, and living a life you didn\’t expect to, those things aren\’t unique. Keep writing.

  55. Its amazing how one spirits strength can have such an affect on another no matter how far they are…..From across the ocean i want to thank you..i\’ve always believed in the strength of the human spirit.Today you have given me yet another proof to validate my beliefs….. Life has a strange way of tailoring a specific outfitt for each and every one of us..Don\’t bother wishing for a chance to try someone else\’s on \’casue it most probably will need altering to be right for u anyway.even if it does look good on them..or seems that way to u..we sometime dont agree with life on it\’s choices for us but in the end its the one we end up wearing for a long time ……and believe it or not somewhere someone will have a secret wish to try on yours…..Kenny, life seems to have tailord an elaborate piece for u..and it doesnt look like its quite finished with it just yet..but u know what? u would look good in anything…That spirit of yours would shine no matter what life puts on it… One last thing…I strongly believe that people come in and out of our life for a reason..sometimes its to help us get through hard times ,sometimes to help us see more clearly the things we knew about ourselves(but didnt know we knew) .some times they bring out the best and/or worst in us…whatever the reason, they are there to help us grow on all levels….and i guess growing is what we are here to do…that (ONCE in a lifetime) was THE ONE you needed at that time to help u both grow into who u are today…the (once in a life time) that you will be with tomorrow will probably never be if it werent for the(once in a life time) six months ago…she is truly angel.. The sun maybe setting here in africa ,but your spirits will light up our sky… peace be with u always,,,,

  56. I don\’t even know how to respond, that was beautiful. I think everybody has THAT person. the one that completely changed you, that made a huge impact on your life, that will leave you wondering "what if…", "if only…" You can either be mad at the person for leaving, or be happy for having them in your life for a moment. It\’s rare that ppl will choose the positive outlook and it\’s refreshing that you have. You show incredible strength yourself and i admire that.

  57. I\’m amazed. It totally caught me off guard when I started to tear up as I read this. It\’s hard enough to go through all that you have. Then, to realize that you pushed away the woman that you loved is only salt in the wound.I commend you for recognizing her strength and true love for you. You have obviously come a long way to be able to talk of this as you do. How many people really learn in their entire lives what you have in only a few short years? You have gone from being a victim (which few would blame you for feeling that way) to being an inspiration. You are an incredible person and I don\’t doubt the possibility that you will one day find someone that will once again love you unconditionally and want to bring sunshine into your every day. And you won\’t make the same mistake twice.I don\’t blame you, of course, for feeling the way you did after leaving the hospital–how many people can say they would feel any different? I can\’t help but believe that you have become a less public version of Christopher Reeves. Thank you for inspiring me.:0) Jenine

  58. I guess I just expected more from the people I love and who love me. Yes, I think it would be a hard situation to go through at 22, but not impossible and I was very strong at 22. Everyone grows up differently, but I had a very tough life and was responsible for two younger siblings at 17. I would never leave my boyfriend if he was paralyzed and I\’m only 25. My friends were in their mid-20\’s when she was paralyzed and not only did her boyfriend not leave her…he married her. You "pushing" her away shouldn\’t make her leave. People can be pretty unpleasant and depressed when they are seriously ill or injuried. However, if you love them you know the real person is still in there and they will come back. She was not the "one", that thought you can really let go of. She was there when you needed her most and gone when you didn\’t need her anymore. That\’s the way God works sometimes. She wasn\’t strong enough to stay forever and it\’s good you found that out now. Doesn\’t mean she wasn\’t a beautiful, sweet girl, but it does mean she wasn\’t meant for you. Life can be hard. People lose children, their limbs, their health, etc. you want someone who will be there "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health." this is true love and this is true strength. Good luck and I hope you find it.

  59. Thank you very much for writing this entry…It had bothered me how quickly and easily everyone was to judge her in the past comments, when most of them did not truly put themselves in her shoes. It is very mature and level headed for you to be able to remove yourself and explain both sides…I got a glimpse of the difficulty with a traumatic injury when I read the book "Dive from Clausen\’s Pier" It\’s hard to really understand if you have not been in the direct situation. However, I do believe that there is hope…and the fact that you have returned from the dark side (no small task), and still have your mind, personality, and sense of humor….you never know if she may walk back into your life or another amazing person. Either way, I know there is a plan for you…that you will eventually be aware of….Thank you for this entry!

  60. I have been inspired by you dear Kenny and I want you to know that I have known many trials and inspired many lives. It is a gift to be moved by a real persons courage and to be able to see strength so few possess. Come and visit my space and read from the month of June and you can read of only a few of my trials and mirrored back to you is a strength I rarely see. I wondered if there were any body out there who reaches in the depth of their soul and finds what I have read in your blogging. It is an honor to have entered into your space. You have left Ellie smilng. Take care! and…. thankyou for honoring her because it proves to the heart of a woman honor truly is out there and within reach. You are an amazing young man!

  61. She sounds wonderfull! I´m glad to hear that you had someone like her by your side!!:)

  62. …You dont know me, and i dont know you, but I sat here for 2 hours reading your blogs. I couldnt stop reading them. You are an incredible person, from what i have read. You have incredible talent to write, and unbeliveable will-power. I have had some hard times.. none of which even come close to comparing to yours. But you have inspired me in so many ways. Thank-you, and i wish you the best in your life!!!!!!! Take Care.

  63. Hi Kenny, I come and check in on you 3-4 times a week and have now for several weeks. I just wanted to leave you a little message about this particular entry. I know a little something about this, for you see, I DID lose the one and only in my life about 3 years ago to a brain anurysm, and I know that there will never be another like her. Yet, my loss doesn\’t even come close to the tragedy you\’ve been dealt. But, you manage to always (well, almost) stay up-beat and positive. This is something that I struggle with constantly. Kenny, I have a tremendous respect for your strength, integrity, and dignity and like to think that I share in a few of those traits… If you get a chance, stop by and check in on me once in awhile… as I learn to live and maybe even love again. Perhaps we could learn from each other through both of our experiences, I know that I have learned a thing or two from you.Bryan

  64. ladybugfluttering says:

    The one you love is the one you devote everything to; hope, trust, life, and love. It takes a true strong soul to hold on tight and let someone else drive no matter what path it will take you. To be strong is to admit your greatest weakness and then figure out how to make it work. Life is hard no matter which surroundings you may have to endure. Those things that you may find are simple to understand now and the hardest things for someone else to understand and with others they can only Temporarily put themselves in that position.I am glad that Hallie stood beside you. It gave you the strength and the questions that you needed. You have many things that you will accomplish despite everyone saying that you will not. My father\’s arm was cut off only hanging by just a little skin. The doctors said he would probably never use that arm again. He now has 95 percent usage of his arm. He was unwilling to let anyone say it couldn\’t happen. He just made it happen. One nerve that he needed was spared throught the accident. God\’s way of saying "here\’s a challenge, are you up to it". Much admiration on a great way to talk to people. I really feel like this not only helps you, but it makes other people open up, like me. Thank you!!!!Kindest Regards,Hallie Pierce

  65. I only read this with tears in my eyes … I am speechless ~ have nothing to even add to this …

  66. wow, what a story!

  67. Beautiful, just beautiful. I need a kleenex… Bye for now, Bobbi-Jo

  68. You show the maturity and wisdom of a man beyond your years. I feel your loss of the great relationship but also repsect what she had to do. And I sense that no matter how hard it is for you, you feel the same. Class act. If it means anyhing, your sacrifice gives me reason to love my wife more and kiss my boys good night more often. It\’s amazing what can be taken for granted. Cheers mate, BH

  69. WoooW….. :\'( I wish you the best…Take care bye bye…

  70. Impressive!!!I do hope u r doing great now.

  71. Hi Kenny, I dunno if you\’ll ever read this because you sure do get alot of comments on this page. I just wanted to say thank you for standing up for this girl… I\’ve read the story about her leaving you and it made me sad, but given that I have just had to leave my boyfriend in really horrible time I sort of wondered about the reality behind this girl leaving. Thank you for having enough heart to not let others put her down… its true, unless you\’ve been through this sort of thing you have no idea how hard it is, and I bet for Hallie it was an agonising, heart wrenching decision to make… just because someone has to walk away doesnt mean their heart isnt breaking.Love and blessings,Janelle

  72. Dear Kinney,
     
    You are not a "typical guy"  — you are an extrodinary man and wonderful writer. If you\’ve not read Whitman\’s A Child Went Forth from Leaves of Grass, do so. MSN posted your blog site this morning — you\’ve made a difference in my day and many others just today alone. Big hug kiddo.
     
    Donna
    (mother of Jason — 28, Shannon — 27, Laura — 20, and Courtney — 18)

  73. you write with the wisdom that only someone that has been through something as horrific as your accident. you are truly an inspiration. i hope that you continue to be this postive about everything. God Bless!

  74. I am glad that you\’ve had the blessing of this wonderful girl in your life!

  75. Seems like you drew strength from Hallie — that\’s how I see it, just from your story.  This was the gift she gave you.  You may not have found the love of your life yet.  What you experienced with her was probably the strongest love connection that you have experienced, so far.  The "ONE" is out there for you.  Love endures all hope, all tragedy all pain.  I agree that at 22 an individual may not have the capacity to project this enduring love to another.  She probably gave all she had, and then some.  I am so glad she was there for you.  Because of her, you were able to harness the tragedy.  Just like the sportsman that you are, you seem to have a grip on moving forward with your limitations.  Try to think of this:  If you could reach out and FEEL something, could you touch love?  No.  That\’s why I know you will find the perfect soul that will embrace you.  You have so much to give — no telling what you are capable of.  Try everything.  Do everything.  This is a good site for you to embrace others so they may know you.  Out here in cyberspace somehow people connect.  This takes the barrier of limitation off of you.  Go for it guy.  Make a GOOD life.  Test your strength now and go forward into the next hour…. the next day.  Make everything mean something.  You haven\’t finished making your mark… 

  76. wow.  You are both so young, near the same ages as my own kids.  I can\’t imagine being either of your or your parents.  I\’m impressed that Hallie tried so hard to hang on and that you can continue to say loving things about her.
    http://360.yahoo.com/tabithadarling

  77. Stéphanie says:

    "Hello handsome" :-),
     
    Trust ur keeping good…
     
    Well u may not believe it but it\’s the very first time am viewing profiles on that site though it\’s been a long time now am on it…and the very first profile which attracted my attention & curiosity was yours…and let me tell you that am glad I did venture on your profile. I like the way about how you write and tackle things and that particular story you wrote on Hallie & You is very touching specially when I bare the thought that it\’s a real life experience… Thats great you feel grateful to those who have been there to enlighten your darkest moments in life and Hallie must be the best thing ever which happened to you and hopefully <that may sound odd> but your special relationship started at the right time since though you haven\’t been able to carry on your relationship for a long long time however you have been blessed to have her show you how much she loved you in the most tragic circumstances since showing love in everyday life is an easy thing to do as compared when one\’s face such kind of situation…don\’t we say that it\’s always on bad times that we have the chance to see and count the number of people who really care for us and on whom we can rely on!!! You have been <lucky> to have so much love, affection and support by your loved ones. You\’re a very courageous guy…i think that your accident made you a better matured and strong man and we sense that despite of what happended to you, you are just a normal guy FULL of life with many goals to achieve yet. I wish you all the best and am sure one day or the other you will have <your special one> by your side.
     
    From someone very very far (Mauritius – Paradise Island :-P)
     
    Cheers…
     
    Amber

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