You hear the word "surgery" as your consciousness begins to fade. Just before going, you catch yourself wondering if the sign above the door read Emergency Room, or Torture Chamber. Most of the next week or so is blurred by a morphine haze. Everything flashes in one minute intervals. Intubation tubes down your throat making you gag. Your entire college wrestling team in your hospital room, cheering you on as you fight to get off the ventilator, and ultimately fail. Your best friend from elementary school, and his wife you had never met. A teammate from high school. You only remember a few people, but they later tell you that more than 350 people came to see you, something the hospital officials had never seen before.
You fully regain consciousness in a neck brace, and find your self unable to feel ANYTHING below your armpits. Every muscle in your neck and shoulders is on fire with pain. There are tubes coming out of your neck, and you are breathing disturbingly regularly. There is a tube up each nostril leading to your stomach, and over a dozen intravenous lines coming from your arms. You can’t move, and you don’t know why. Is this a dream? Is this really happening? It can’t be. In an instant, the memories flood back. A ski jump. A sled ride. "Call Hallie." A helicopter. "I’m sorry Dad." A hospital visitor plays with your hair, and brushes over a thick scab. Your mind flashes back to the torture chamber. Shortness of breath. A clamp screwed into your skull. A doctor trying to "realign" your spine unsuccessfully. Nothing but pain and confusion. You recall too many things that will haunt your dreams forever.
You sleep only one night in eighteen in the hospital. The countless monitors which you are attached to sound off relentlessly throughout the night. The nursing staff tells you that if it beeps three times, it’s you… twice, it’s someone in another room, because the monitors are all networked together. This does nothing to quell your anxiety. You hear an alarm, and you wonder, "was that the second beep, or the third?" Doctors come in and inform you and your family that you will NEVER move again, and there is a rather good chance you will never breathe again on your own. Just tears. You refuse to give up hope, regardless of what they tell you.
Because you are on a ventilator, you have no voice. You communicate by mouthing words, most of which people cannot decipher. You find yourself spelling words to friends and loved ones. Your nights in the hospital are horrifying because of this problem. You are left alone for merely minutes at a time, but it feels like hours. Your anxiety ramps up, and you know you need some drugs to alleviate it. The only problem, is that you have no way to call for help. You stare out the door and watch your nurse pass by numerous times. You just need help, but your cries can not be heard. Completely helpless, all you can do is cry.
While she is out of the room, you cry to your parents because you know your girlfriend will eventually leave you because of this. Though six months later you would be correct, she sits in your hospital room and plays "By Your Side," by Sade on repeat. It calms your fears temporarily. She is a pillar of strength for both your family and friends throughout your stay in the hospital. You convince her that she needs to go back to school, and not drop out. Just before she leaves, you mouth the words "These tubes may have kept me breathing, but YOU are what kept me alive." You both cry. Little do you know, it’s closer to the truth than you realize. They later tell you that just hearing her voice in the room had the power to make all of your vital signs stabilize.
Teams of doctors invade your room with SWAT like efficiency throughout the day. You are never referred to by name, just by your injury; C3-C4 complete quadriplegic. You can’t help but think of Patch Adams. They rarely spend more than a minute barking orders back and forth, making a diagnosis within seconds. When they walk out the door, neither you nor your nurse have any clue as to what just transpired. One day, they come in and wrongly inform you that they are sending you home, because there is absolutely nothing left for them to do. Two days later, they tell you they are sending you to a rehab facility two hours away from your home, another inaccurate statement.
After 2 1/2 weeks which seem like an eternity in hell… you finally are transferred to a rehabilitation center. All you will remember from intensive care is being intensely scared.
Kenny Salvini 
Kenny!I really dont know where to begin – Everyone has already stated the obvious!! You are an inspiration!! You are a very strong willed person!! Stay strong and I will keep reading (considering I am addicted)!Susan
You\’re amazing. You are an inspiration for all people with any kind of challenges in life. You are an incredible writer, you should have a book deal for sure and I hope that your blog will be read by someone who can give you a great one!Thank you for sharing your life and experiences with us, we are better people for reading here. I know I am.
Dear Kenny, I have been reading through your site from top to bottom the past few days. I have a hard time putting my feelings into words -bare with me. You were given special gifts and obviously you never have taken that for granted, from the very start of your life!!! Yes, the adversity strengthens your soul but it was strong to begin with. You have SO MUCH to give others. The most important thing in life is our relationships with people-nothing else matters. You could write the instruction manual on that topic alone!! Many people fall into a so called "charmed life" but without that key element of putting relationships with people into perspective…..what a sad loss for those people….Your mother must be so overwhelmed with love and respect for you. I too have a son named Kenny (his dad was my high school sweetheart and his name was Kenny also but he perished from an accident he had when our son was six weeks old) as a widow at age 24 at that time my son Kenny then had spinal meningitus 17 months later. I remember being prepared for his death at the hospital by his doctor- he survived!! He now is completely deaf and has heart problems (surgeries) seizures and other changes to his life that he works through. He also wrestled through high school…. Man was that hard to see him miss out on all the coaches directions and cheers. He also ran cross country. Coaches told me they loved having him around because he would see one of the kids begin opening their mouth to complain about practice and then get startled looking at Kenny standing there happy working harder than anyone, just to be there so he could have relationships with other kids. The coach said he worked three times as hard as the other kids, never giving up even though his career in sports was pale in comparison to the other student athletes. By his senior year he won a few medals ( he was in physical therapy in sixth grade……) so these few accomplishments brought tears to the men and clapping that vibrated in the room. My son-like I believe YOU are to your mother…has been the biggest blessing in life. I hope this isn\’t a painful quote but "sometimes the worst things that happen in life are the best things" I have a special son that has touched so many lifes. Yes, he still gets down at times but it is his ability to pick himself back up even a little stronger each time. Look at the accomplishments you are making on this site!!!!!! When all is said and done the most important thing in life is our relationships with people. Nothing else matters!!! My husband Kenny that passed away only moved beyond his "shell" , his spirit living forever and will never die. With your talent and voice, you are here ………overwhelming work to be done…but you can do it and I know you will! Remember blessings come in many shapes and forms and many are disguised. I feel very many good things will continue to come your way. Because you have shared SO much about yourself I feel like I know you and would love to meet you! Maybe at a book signing someday-YOURS! Take Care. Sue
Hi Kenny, hope you get this. I\’ve been reading all of your writing since August 10 when I stumbled on to it thru MSN. I know you\’re getting thousands of people responding to you and telling you how you have touched their lives in a very personal way. Well i\’m just one more person who cried as I read about the girl, the bracelet, the four days, the straight jacket, the missing in action, the things you miss, the music when your down, the rock you hit going a little too fast, the skits that you tried desperately to take off, the first words you spoke to your mom which you don\’t remember saying about how your life was forever changed—all of it. I had to leave work at 5pm so I printed as much as I could and took it home with me & read it all that night. I didn\’t know so much water could come out of my eyes. I was alone so I was able to let it all out. I feel so close to you even though I\’ve never met you. I\’d like to try and tell you how you\’ve helped me. I\’m a single mom since before my baby was born. It\’s been 9 years since then and I am still single. My down days are filled with silence, tears, loneliness, anger, resentment. Couples haunt me wherever I go. When I see a father and son together I feel like double edged swords are going in and out of me. I\’ll read articles on single parent children statistics>I\’m not going to tell you the chances my son has of becoming a: drop-out, drug addict, criminal, gangster, so on and so forth because the numbers are terrifying and depressing. But I will tell you that you have helped me to focus again on the important things and helped me to appreciate all that I do have and all that I can do. It\’s as if I\’ve been emotionally and spiritually paralyzed. "Thank You Kenny". Thanks for writing and not giving up on life. Thanks for opening our eyes. Thanks for not giving up on that sometimes annoying voice activation software and when it signs out on you, thanks for starting all over again and not quiting. Thanks for reminding us how we need to appreciate simple things like a walk, a CD, a hug, a smile,…. Amazing how life can pass us by untill someone writes something on a blog (i think that\’s what it\’s called) and makes you look at life as if you had a new pair of EYE BALLS. I don\’t plan on complaining EVER again in my LIFE. I don\’t plan to take ANYONE of those special people I already do have in my life for granted anymore. And every morning when I hit my snooze button, I will think of you and your strength. Just like when someone smiles, it usually brings a smile back to you-so now that you\’ve encouraged me to live a little, I\’d like to send a smile back to You! My profession is "Receptionist", which means that the majority of my job is to answer the phone, well the phone really doesn\’t ring around here so lets just say i have a lot of time on my hands (about 8 hours worth). So I usually sit at my desk feeling like crap, because my job is crap, and my finances are crap, and my love life is even more crap. So when I can\’t stand all the "crap" anymore, I\’ll read my bible or some christian material that I have in the far corner of my desk. There is this one article entitled "There\’s a purpose-look for it!" I\’d like to type it out for you. Hope you like it. Wednesday December 3"THESE LITTLE TROUBLES ARE GETTING US READY." 2 CORINTHIANS 4:17 There\’s a Purpose – look for it! Jesus said we\’d have problems (John 16:33). Nobody gets a free pass. Solve one problem and another\’s waiting to take its place. They\’re not all big, but they\’re all necessary to your spiritual growth! How do you measure the strength of anything? By testing it! Listen: "Don\’t be…shocked that your are going through testing…It will prepare you" (1 Peter 4:12-13) David wrote: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted" (Psalm 34:18) Your most life-changing experiences will often come during your darkest days-when your heart\’s broken, you feel abandoned, you\’re out of options, your pain levels are through the roof-and you turn to God. That\’s when you learn to pray heart-felt, honest-to-God prayers. When you\’re in pain you don\’t have the energy for superficial ones. God could have kept Joseph out of jail, Daniel out of the lions\’ den, Jeremiah out of the slimy pit and Paul from being shipwrecked, but He didn\’t. And the result? Every one of them was drawn closer to God- and impacted their world! Our problems force us to look to God and depend on Him, instead of ourselves. This is especially hard on super-achievers like Paul. Listen: "We…saw how powerless we were to help ourselves; but that was good, for then we put everything into the hands of God, who alone could save us" (2 Corinthian 1:9). You\’ll never know that God\’s all you need, until God\’s all you\’ve got! So today, place all your needs into His capable, loving hands, and watch what happens.
Hello again, this is Sue from previous comment. My e-mail site is staylor5862@hotmail.com. I know you are busy but here it is to share with you. Respectfully, Sue
Thank you so much for your writing. I look at it everyday to see what you have written. You are an inspiration to everyone! Keep writing, and i will keep reading. As for the girl who left you, it oviously wasn\’t meant to be. And in my opinon she was stipud to leave you. You seem so sweet, kind and caring. I wish you the best in everything you do.
My father broke his neck when I was 8 years old, back in 1973. It was a vertical C4-C5 break so he was fortunate to get back some mobility in his arms. It happened on his wedding night to his second wife, who left him shortly after he came home from rehab. He said he understood her reasons.I was too young at the time to understand everything he had to go through to stay here with us. I\’m envisioning it is very similar to what you\’re describing.He wasn\’t supposed to live long enough to see his first Grandchild being born. This past summer he attended his oldest Granddaughter’s graduation party from HS.You\’re strength and sense of humor reminds me very much of his. For instance, when he gets a new wheel chair he always asks how it looks on him, like he just bought a new pair of pants. He\’s my hero.You\’ve drawn quite the crowd. Good luck on the freak show. "I think I love you…….I\’m going to bed now" Yikes!!!!
All I can say is your girlfriend was a fool. If you truly love someone you never give up hope, you never give up dreams, and you never give up loving that one person. One day you will find your one true love. Never give up hope.
Hey Kenny,It\’s tough not to know what to say. My heart goes out to you and hopefully you will be able to walk again. You are always in my prayers and even though we don\’t know each other I send you all my best. No matter what you may think God is always with you and God will never abandon you.
Kenny,All I can say is …Thank you!Thank you!Thank you!Please keep writing, I look forward to it each day!Sincerly,Forever known as Michael\’s Mom
What can I say that hasn\’t been said? I guess all I can say is Me Too
wow! you are so strong! i am so impressed on how you\’ve handled things! it just amazes me! you have touched alot of lives with your story! i\’m going to keep coming back here to see if you have written more! wow! you are an inspiration to never take anything for granted! much love!melissa
Kenny,BOONDOCK SAINS?! I love, love, love that movie! I thought my guy and I were the only others out there too. Did you hear that they were writing a part two? Great movie list, lots of my favorites are on there. Fight Club is one of the most underrated flicks hah? Keep up the good fight, with all this great karma (I hate that word, sorry) around you and your family miracles happen. And for some people a miracle can mean a great belly laugh. BTW… and I know this is shallow and insipid… but damn you\’re a hotty! Had to be said. Good looking guy with great tastes in movies, writes well, knows himself… a rare find. I think I found the only other guy like that in this world, and I count myself pretty damn happy for it!Peace out,Jenn"You and your F*cking rope."
Your are my anti-depressant, I discovered your blog a few days ago, and i have been checking up every day to see if you have written anything new. You completely put everything i have ever been stressed out or depressed over into perspective. Hell-life is too short to be miserable. I don\’t know what else to put, you are such an inspiration (i put a link to you on my blog hope thats ok) and a brilliant writer. Hannah =D
Such intense words. Keep Strong.
Greetings from me again. Don\’t mean to be a pest, just feel the need to say hi everyday and I\’m thinking of you. I will share some words that are posted in my cubicle at work: Have courage for the great sorrows of lifeand patience for the small ones,And when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.(Victor Hugo)Love,AndreaP.S. The song by Coheed & Cambria on one of your lists is called "Favored House Atlantic", not Bye Bye Beautiful, although you did better than I , until I searched to download it, I thought the title was Good Eye, Sniper.:)
I, like many others, have been entranced by your writing. The words you choose and the feeling that goes behind each memory is just amazing. Thank you for taking the time to share your life with me and many others. You are special, don\’t let anyone else try to make you think otherwise.~ Rowan"…laughter is timeless.Imagination has no age.And dreams are forever" ~ Unknown
Kenny,I was so excited that you visited my space! Thanks for the compliments, I love your attitude too and I also think you are pretty dang cute. I have to be honest, I usually don\’t love the bleach blonde look, you pull it off pretty well ;)!This entry really touched me, well they all do, but this one in particular. I still have nightmares about seeing my dad in the hospital for the first time. It was horrifying. I have lost a lot of friends and went through some very trying times in my life, but I have never cried or hurt so much as that day. That sight will forever be embedded in my mind. I don\’t remember everything about the four months that my family lived in Colorado while my dad was in Craig Rehab hospital, but I do remember the moment that I realized that my family was going to be okay because we had so much to be thankful for. One night I just couldn\’t stop crying, it seemed as though I couldn\’t even think to breathe because the pain was so tremendous, not for me, but for my mom. Brock is my stepdad, even though I think of him as my dad, he has raised me since I was 6. My dad was killed in a car accident when I was 4 and my sister was 3. My mom lost her first husband to a car accident, and now her second was forever injured from one, how was she so strong, I asked her??? She told me that we had so much to be thankful for. She told me what got her through every day. At Craig Hospital all the people who had brain trauma and were mentally disabled were on the second floor, and my dad was on the third floor with the physically handicapped. My mom told me that every day when she rode that elevator that she thanked God that she was not getting off on the third floor. She said Dad is still Dad, he still has the same heart and mind, just not the same body and we are truly lucky for that. Her strength and her words helped me realize that my family was going to be okay. We are much closer and stronger and thankful and forgiving and thoughtful. It made us all better people and even though if given the chance I would change it all in heartbeat, I understand now. I understand that life is fragile, so don\’t waste it, don\’t take it for granted, and be thankful for everything that you do have. Cherish every moment, don\’t wish harm upon anyone and tell those that you love how you feel more often, because, like you said – tomorrow isn\’t promised. Feel free to write me again, Nebraska and Washington really aren\’t that far away. Hope today is a good day.Davina dleezer@hotmail.com
I can\’t even begin to imagine how terrifying that must have been. Your description of it is vivid, but must pale compared to the real thing. I\’m linking you too, btw.
Oh baby… I just want to hug you. Keep letting it out like this, you are healing others as you are dealing with your own pain. I just want to hug you and hug you. {{{hugs}}}
Kenny,What will my words change? This comment would only be lost among the hundreds of other well wishers.My first thought is to feel sorry for you. A typical reaction I\’m sure. But after a few minutes of perusing your site I realize there\’s nothing to feel sorry about.Your situation is unchangeable. Yet you, the man has grown from it. Understandably not the way you wanted to go but this was the way it happened. I see a beautiful man, probably admired a lot for his physical attributes. I see a man that was happy, living and loving life, loving family and friends.Yes, you were robbed of this in the FUTURE, but some never had it in the past or in their present. In the short time that you were able you EMBRASSED AND FELT all that life gave you. See how Chris Reeves changed your life? YOU WILL CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE\’S. You are eloquent, strong-minded, strong-willed and have an even stronger heart.I know you will not give up and no one else around will give up either. There will be days when this urge may be strong and it will seem like no one understands. Not many will. Many will emphatize instead.You already are a hero to some…maybe to many. I\’m sure you are a hero to your family. And your niece will be there for when you can hold her again.You\’re in my thoughts,Amy
LOL…meant to say EMBRACED.You\’d think I was using one of those voice recognition software!
just because you are having a rough time. i guess this is my way of wishing you well _______0000000000_______000000000000__________ ______0000000000000000__0000000000000000_______ ____00000000000000000000000000_______00000_____ ___000000000000000000000000000_________00000___ __000000000000000000000000000000________00000__ __000000000000000000000000000000000_____000000_ _000000000000000000000000000000000000___000000_ _0000000000000000000000000000000000000_0000000_ _000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_ _00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000__ __000000000000000000000000000000000000000000___ ___0000000000000000000000000000000000000000____ _____0000000000000000000000000000000000000_____ _______000000000000000000000000000000000_______ __________0000000000000000000000000000_________ ____________00000000000000000000000____________ ______________0000000000000000000______________ _________________00000000000000________________ ___________________00000000000_________________ _____________________0000000___________________ ______________________00000____________________ _______________________000_____________________ ________________________0______________________i hope i will hear from you on my blog soon ttyl
I think about this more than I should. I see most people get down on your ex-girlfriend. It is a shame that she wasn\’t strong enough, or mature enough, to deal with what happened. She is so young. I do think that it says alot about her that she stayed by your side for as long as she did. It would have been too much for most girls her age. I\’m glad she was there in the beginning, when it had to be the most difficult. It\’s touching that her voice could stabilize your vitals signs. I don\’t think you hold hate in your heart because of her. I really hope you don\’t think that it was a lack of love that caused her to leave. I know you have some beautiful memories of the two of you. That was a gift in itself.Have a wonderful weekend.
It\’s amazing to me the feelings you managed to stir inside of me and so many other people. I\’m a faithful reader. I think you\’re extra-ordinary, but I know you get that everyday.I never thought much about how people in your situation must feel and what their lives are like..but I happened upon your blog recently, and all that changed. I saw a guy my age, who had a tragic accident, and it really hit me that tragedy can occur at any time. It\’s made me think alot–and I\’d like to help somehow (any advice?). Help people. Just do some good, you know? Thanks for that.~Amanda~
I read your blog each day since I found you …and I really hope that you find the way to be happy …I will pray for you every night ..Because we are in the earth for something and things happen for something … but I really hope continue reading your thoughs …I hope GOD always help you in any way …Un abrazo ZarePD … Try to enjoy the little things in life !!!!! because are the best …
Hi Kenny,Have you ever read Luke 5:18? If not let me share the story with you.One day, when Jesus was teaching, a paralyzed man was healed. Nice! That’s what everyone focuses on when the read this passage… But being in the ‘healthcare profession’, and dealing with many homebound folks, there is something else in this story that is more important.Here is the full passage:18Some men came carrying a paralytic on a mat and tried to take him into the house to lay him before Jesus. 19When they could not find a way to do this because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and lowered him on his mat through the tiles into the middle of the crowd, right in front of Jesus.I hope you have such good friends that are willing to do anything to get you through this hard time. If not before I know that you are making tons of them as of now. As a matter of fact I would be honored if you’d count me in!In our society I unfortunately see more and more people who would not even think about showing up to help a friend. It’s not covenant, cost effective, and someone in the crowd could recognize them. What would the neighbors think?The girl of your desires would not tear the tiles of someone’s roof to help you get through this, but all of the ripples that you are making in so many lives will help you find your real soul mate.I want to thank you for inspiring me to write. I stumbled across your story, while I was reading about a 400LB man, who is walking across US in hopes of loosing weight. (Check that one out… I believe that his nickname is Forrest Lump)The both of you reminded me of what my purpose in life was, and make me realize that sitting on my ‘dupa’, thinking about how messed up the society is, does not accomplish a thing. I need to take action.As a matter of fact I decided to start my own blogg, and I should have it up and running by the end of this weekend. I am going to title it “The Cure” in honor of one of my favorite bands from many years ago, and the change that I am going through right now… I am switching from the Intensely Scary Modern Day Medicine, to the ‘new fad’ (few thousand years old) called Holistic Health and Healing. I would also like to start a non for profit organization that helps people HEAL. Kind of what you have said when you where leaving the rehab… they all can live when they overcome their illness, they are not taught how to HEAL from the circumstances that have caused their condition in the first place.Like everyone else on the web I would love to hear back from you. I will let you know when my blogg is up and running. In the meantime you can shoot me an e-mail: arielscure@hotmail.com.Take care of your spirit Kenny, I will be praying for you. And thanks again for all of your writing!PSI really liked that idea that you had about the reality show. The only thing that was missing was that at the end the dudes from “Overhauling” show up. They make the poor cripple think that his wheel chair has been stolen, and right before he is about to go through all the shenanigans with reporting the theft to Medicare his ride shows up with all of the gold flakes stripped off, the seat cushions upholstered in real leather, and the whole thing equipped with it’s own GPS unit and voice on demand ON-Star button. What do you think?
Wow! I hope that it all works out for you.
Hey Kenny just doing my nightly stop off and just wanted to say that as always you are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. If you ever need a friend I am here. God Bless~Jennifer
Your strength and your courage amazes me and makes me think of everything I\’ve done in my life. Sorry if I\’m not saying much, but thank you. You are a great person Kenny, like some of my online friends would say… OMFGWTFKENNYROXBBQ!! XD Take care! 😛
hey kennyi read your story and it mirrors mine,many miles away in the UK,(but i just know that ceiling looked just the same!)although im not a quite so high legion,and no-one can begin to understand can they? No you can\’t put it in to words i know.it\’s a whole new life,i find i try to block out my pevious one-just take the special things from it,like good freinds-but they will follow you through if they are worth anything at all,and take heart from this,life sometimes deals us a cruel hand but it\’s the hand we have to play with,and make the best of it,stay strong,stay positive,stay focused,there is good in this new life,you will see it,you still have your mind,you are still you-hey the rest is just furniture!!something will evolve,it did with me,God wasn\’t my bag at all,but it might be yours? go wherever things take youi wish you well in your new life KennyLawrence HareIpswichU.K.
i read your blog everyday, and your strength and courage move me, often your words, your story bring me to tears, you are the most amazing human being i have ever know, and i dont actually no you. but you get my pointgod bless youstay strongall my love cassie!
Great post….and an interesting perspective I dont see being a resident physician (or fail to recognize). The system is very flawed and one thing I have realized since reading this post is youre right…patients arent people anymore in the hospital, they are diseases/injuries/operations, especially in teaching hospitals with residency programs where patients are discussed on a regular basis, which is more than likely the reason for the amount of Drs seeing you daily. Interestingly enough, I feel that HIPPA is the cause for some of that. When discussing patients for teaching purposes, were not allowed for privacy (hippa violation), to name names, only to describe them….so instead of "Kenny S. in Room 232B" you are now known as "23M C3-C4 Quad", and Frank Smith in Room 512A is now "42yoM S/P CABG POD4", etc.We have been sacrificing humanity for privacy. Thank you for pointing this out….I will definitely make an effort to maintaining privacy when discussing a patient with other physicians, yet try to remember that there is a person in there….not just a disease/injury/operation/infection.
Leaving some hugs. *hugs*