My kinda guy

It’s a question that has plagued far greater thinkers than I, and driven men to the ends of the earth in search of the answer, I’m sure: what’s God like?  Well, it’s obvious God must be a guy, otherwise men would have to suffer through childbirth and buy $40 bras, and women’s underwear would come in a three pack for six bucks, but that’s beside the point.  What’s He really like?  Is He all fire and brimstone like the Old Testament makes Him out to be, or the gentle father figure the New Testament suggests?  Well, I don’t know, and I’m not going to pretend to.  What I do know is that I’m pretty sure I had little run-in with The Big Guy a few years back that made me a fan of His for life.

It was the spring of my senior year in college.  Thanks to perfectly executed scheduling over the years, my last quarter was going to be a cakewalk; a couple freshman courses, my senior presentation, and my favorite class of all time… springboard diving!  Don’t laugh, I’m not kidding.  Debbie Nethery’s 9 a.m. springboard diving class epitomized everything you want in a college course but rarely found.  Unlike my "real" professors, Debbie actually cared if I learned, and would push me to do so every day.  After my fifth and final class (yep, took it EVERY spring), she had me working on a 1 1/2 with a full twist and a pike 2 1/2 off the low board… and secretly wondering if I had missed my true calling.  I always looked forward to her instruction.  The rest of my classes that quarter?  Well… not so much.

As I stepped out of the pool locker room that sunny morning, one thing was abundantly clear: I would not be attending any more classes that day.  My afternoon would not be spent sleeping through lectures on the microevolution of monkeys or economic formulas, thank you very much.  No, the only lessons scheduled for that day would be taught by my best friend Mark and me, as we schooled people in two-on-two beach volleyball at People’s Pond. Besides, it’s not like I was going to start working on my senior presentation until two weeks before the end of the quarter anyhow.  (Don’t worry Mom, I still got a 4.0 that quarter) 

With my schedule magically cleared, I headed home on my skateboard to grab a bite to eat and wait for Mark to get out of class.  At around 11 a.m., I tossed in Caddyshack, and started cooking my favorite pregame meal… SpaghettiOs with Meatballs.  Oh yeah.  Breakfast of Champions.  As it warmed, I poured myself a tall glass of milk and skipped to my favorite scene on the DVD; the Dalai Lama monologue.  Big hitter, the Lama.  I must have been a little too excited about the potentially great day I had ahead of me, because on the way to the couch with my bowl of processed perfection and drink, I blurted out, "Man, this is the life."  Yep.  Out loud.  With no one else in the room.  Everyone?  In unison… JACKASS.

The instant the last syllable rolled off my tongue, time went into slow motion.  I felt my foot catch on something next to the couch, and I lost my balance.  I fell straight towards one of my bar stools and caught my forearms perfectly on the seat, not spilling a drop… well, for a second.  My weight shifted, and I fell backwards towards the floor.  My food erupted from their respective containers on impact, spraying pseudo-noodles and milk all over my walls, ceiling and entertainment center.  Fortunately, I blocked a good percentage of the mess… with my face.  Wiping chunks of quasi-meatballs from my eyes, I surveyed the damage in utter disbelief.  Not only was my gourmet meal ruined in an instant, I had no witnesses to point at me and laugh like I deserved.  Or so I thought until I noticed what had caused my fall.  My bookbag.  I couldn’t help but laugh.  Someone WAS watching indeed.

All I could picture was God doubled over His throne, laughing hysterically at his handiwork.  I mean, seriously, what better way to punk a guy for saying something so outlandishly stupid than tripping him with books from the very classes he was skipping when he made it?  Sheer genius, I love it.  Some may call that karma, I say it’s God’s smart-ass sense of humor and impeccable timing.  To this day, I can almost hear Him calling Gabriel and St. Peter over, saying, "Check this out!  This moron is cutting class, and listen to what he says.  Wait for it… wait for it… listen… now the bookbag… and… Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!!!

Touché, Big Fella.  You are definitely my kinda guy.

23 Comments Add yours

  1. Jay says:

    very funny and very true.   God sometimes puts in our face the very thing that he has a problem with and says – look here!  Happens to me, I bet it happens to everyone, we just have to be awake enough to see it…or get knocked off of kitchen bar stools!  Great post, I enjoyed reading it.
    Jay 🙂

  2. Heather says:

    So I\’m reading the part about the 1 and half twist/pike thing, thinking to myself, was there anything this guy couldn\’t do athletically and then you bust out a story about you tripping over your backpack.  Too funny.

  3. Hope says:

    Thanks Kenny as usual you make me laugh and smile…Your awsome..Sometimes it true …God sees it all and we gotta laugh at ourselfs..cause physically no one else is there to!Skipping college classes I don\’t know anyone who hasn\’t ..I got cured fast…I decided to blow off class the one day…Decided to drive my hunk of junk car to the mall..about a hour away. I stalled out on the free way.. got a jump ..Should of been a turn around and go back. But no I didn\’t listen…you know how it is.. I thought well I am on my way I can make the mall. God and you got to know…I was in for it that day. I was going to learn a lesson one way or another. I get to the mall..and just goof off ..I was just so happy dumping that class.  Then I got to thinking everyone will be home…its time to go. I head out to the parking lot…mind you I had a really rotten dodge omni hatch back…a garbage car.   I get out there and my priceless peice of junk is gone….I was like what is up with this…I recall sitting on the curb laughing..and thinking.. What am I doing?Now mind you my books everything were in that car.  So yuppers..God had a great chuckle on that. Glad to see you back…I don\’t come here daily but when I do  I am always impressed by your writing!! Thanks for the chuckle.

  4. Unknown says:

    Hi Kenny,
    Glad to see you back (if only for a brief visit) I hope all is well for you and that you didn\’t get any of those meatballs up your nose when you tripped.  :o)
    Have a wonderful day, hope to see you again really soon.

  5. Unknown says:

    So nice to see that you\’ve updated…………
    I agree that God definitely has a sense of humor.  I\’ve always thought of him that way- shaking his head at us when we do something stupid- and letting us reap the consequences of his actions. 
    I bet it took over an hour to clean that mess up!  HA! 

  6. April says:

    Kenny, you are too funny…

  7. Wendi says:

    And you\’re definitely mine.  Love your stories!

  8. Jenny says:

    So glad to see that story made it to your blog. And though noone was there to see it happen, somehow it\’s so very easy to picture…..weird…..
    Classic Kenny.
    God I love your guts. You are so funny. 
    Writer\’s block, my ass. 

  9. Unknown says:

    God it has been forever and day since I have even stopped by here b/c your ass is about as slow at updating your blog as I am.  Ugh…
    Let me just say for the record: Spaghetti O\’s are truley one of my favorite foods.  When I was younger I preferred them sans the "meatballs" but now that I am older and my culinary palet has changed I really enjoy those little balls of meat. 🙂 Have you ever crushed a few Cheez-It\’s over the top and mixed it all together? If not…pure heaven my friend.
    Good entry Kenny.

  10. Kandyce says:

    Yeah, so that was awesome!
         So I start reading, and I\’m thinking this blog is going to be all about your take on the deeper meaning of God and religion (and get my "serious blog reading game face" on).  So here I am, intently reading away and I\’m getting all goddamn confused because your telling me about spagetti-O\’s and spring board diving and shit.  So I\’m thinking, "Man, did he crack his head on the bottom of the pool….no wait….maybe he choked on his lunch and saw Jesus…..ok, where in the hell is this going….".  So, I\’m totally confused……and there it is……you had to trip, didn\’t ya! 
         I\’m still laughing my ass off.  You totally got me.  Here I am all intensely reading about your low budget gourmet meal, waiting for you to tell me God suddenly appeared on your couch, throwing lightening bolts at you…..and then you trip.
    Perfect Kenny—-I laughed big at that one….like leaning way back in my chair laughing!  Man, I needed that too—I\’ve been up studying for hours.  What a break! 
    Thanks, I totally appreciate it!
    Kandyce 😉

  11. mtcutie says:

    "No whammies… no whammies… no whammies… FUCK!!!"
    Sorry I couldn\’t resist 😛
    Thanks for sharing and I\’ll see you \’down stairs\’ too.  I\’m pretty sure my reservation tag isn\’t far from yours. lol

  12. Unknown says:

    hehehe.  that\’s a good story.  =)

  13. WINDOW LIVE says:

    I just found your space.  Laughed by butt off.  You are funny, cute and I wish my daughter were older so I could hook you up (she\’s only 15).

  14. Anita says:

    Grat story Kenny!
    Glad to see you publishing again.
    Best of luck, and keep on laughing with the Big Fella… He does enjoy to listen to our joyfull noises you know.
    Have a wonderfull day!

  15. Adara says:

    lol oh you crack me up! love it~J

  16. Unknown says:

    I have not laughed that hard in a long time.  I literally had to bite my hand to keep my co-workers from hearing me.
    Thanks for the laugh and the permanent smile on my face for the rest of the day. 
    I really needed that.  🙂

  17. steven says:

    clasic lol

  18. the minx says:

    I\’m glad I read this one second.  When is your book coming out?

  19. Angélica Katherine says:

    jaja a long time ago sinde the last time a read your space and YOU\’re still GREAT! LOVE YOU!!

  20. Unknown says:

    This lit up my day, I\’ve written in the past about how God lets me be the target of his jokes and pranks, and all I can really do is laugh about it.  Thanks for publishing the very thing I\’ve always suspected:  God has a wacky, wild sense of (almost) frat-boy humor.

  21. Edith says:

    What great insight!  I wonder if many people stop and realize just how funny we must be to God?  I wouldn\’t want to say he\’s laughing AT us… he wouldn\’t hurt our feelings like that, but he must definitely be laughing WITH us.  Here\’s where having a good sense of humor about our own human failings and blunders comes in handy.

  22. Rachel says:

    Ok….so I\’ve been reading through some of your blogs, and I have to say, you\’re a great writer. Very insightful and descriptive, as well as pretty funny at times. You definitely are a talented writer. But this one….this is HILARIOUS! I\’ve had the similar experiences and feelings that God has to have a sense of humor. Maybe he\’s just trying to share his humor during these times? But, seriously, "uh-oh, spaghettiOs?!" I love the way you described his feelings, too…very funny (and probably very true)! 🙂

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