Okay, here is the obligatory appendix to the vocabulary renaissance piece. In my tirade about long-lost slang words, I hinted at yet another modern gem that has been mindlessly tossed aside. Yes, I’m speaking of the high-five. Ah… the high-five. What was once the most exuberant expression of excitement/greeting of choice, hands down (pardon the pun), has all but disappeared. I’m not quite sure when it occurred, but somewhere along the line the high-five lost its place in public greeting decorum. A conspiracy, I tell you! In my humble opinion, this trumps Watergate without a doubt.
In efforts to conceal this staple expression, it was hidden in the last place we would look. By this of course, I mean the middle-aged white sports fan. Usually delegated to the upper decks of football fields, and nosebleeds sections of NASCAR races, the action has decayed to a pathetic form. These bastards have let it devolve into some sort of half-ass motion that can barely even be considered a mid-five. It’s nauseating. Elbows at their sides, with limp wrists, these heathens pathetically swat at eachothers’ hands, connecting maybe once in every ten tries. Did no one tell these men that if you can’t do something right, don’t do it at all? If we have learned anything from well-publicized mishaps like the Enron scandal, all things Martha Stewart, and golf attire as a whole, it should be that people of that age group cannot be trusted with such highly regarded commodities.
In its place, many different fraudulent expressions have appeared. These feeble replacements can’t hold a candle to the real thing. They’ve even infiltrated the high-five’s final hope, baseball dugouts. Once considered the last true sanctuary for the high-five, these temples have been overtaken by impostors as well. You have that ridiculous forearm bashing thing, a Neanderthal movement in my eyes. And now we have that stupid fist pounding monstrosity. Has the whole world gone crazy? Have the collective masses lost that ravenous hunger for the echoing WHACK (insert old-school Batman visual) that only the highest-quality high-five can produce?
We have a responsibility to bring this gesture back from the antiquities, people! So dust off those palms! When you show up to work tomorrow, don’t shake your boss’s hand… LAME. Reach for the sky! Snap that wrist on contact, and savor the mild sting that leaves your hand tingling after a solid high-five! Maybe even throw in the Top Gun tribute, and double it up if you feel so inclined. Who knows, we may be able to turn this world around just yet… end terrorism even, the sky is the limit here my friends.