A call to arms… or hands, at least

Okay, here is the obligatory appendix to the vocabulary renaissance piece.  In my tirade about long-lost slang words, I hinted at yet another modern gem that has been mindlessly tossed aside.  Yes, I’m speaking of the high-five.  Ah… the high-five.  What was once the most exuberant expression of excitement/greeting of choice, hands down (pardon the pun), has all but disappeared.  I’m not quite sure when it occurred, but somewhere along the line the high-five lost its place in public greeting decorum.  A conspiracy, I tell you!  In my humble opinion, this trumps Watergate without a doubt.

In efforts to conceal this staple expression, it was hidden in the last place we would look.  By this of course, I mean the middle-aged white sports fan.  Usually delegated to the upper decks of football fields, and nosebleeds sections of NASCAR races, the action has decayed to a pathetic form.  These bastards have let it devolve into some sort of half-ass motion that can barely even be considered a mid-five.  It’s nauseating.  Elbows at their sides, with limp wrists, these heathens pathetically swat at eachothers’ hands, connecting maybe once in every ten tries.  Did no one tell these men that if you can’t do something right, don’t do it at all?  If we have learned anything from well-publicized mishaps like the Enron scandal, all things Martha Stewart, and golf attire as a whole, it should be that people of that age group cannot be trusted with such highly regarded commodities.
In its place, many different fraudulent expressions have appeared.  These feeble replacements can’t hold a candle to the real thing.  They’ve even infiltrated the high-five’s final hope, baseball dugouts.  Once considered the last true sanctuary for the high-five, these temples have been overtaken by impostors as well.  You have that ridiculous forearm bashing thing, a Neanderthal movement in my eyes.  And now we have that stupid fist pounding monstrosity.  Has the whole world gone crazy?  Have the collective masses lost that ravenous hunger for the echoing WHACK (insert old-school Batman visual) that only the highest-quality high-five can produce?
We have a responsibility to bring this gesture back from the antiquities, people!  So dust off those palms!  When you show up to work tomorrow, don’t shake your boss’s hand… LAME.  Reach for the sky!  Snap that wrist on contact, and savor the mild sting that leaves your hand tingling after a solid high-five!  Maybe even throw in the Top Gun tribute, and double it up if you feel so inclined.  Who knows, we may be able to turn this world around just yet… end terrorism even, the sky is the limit here my friends.

100 Comments Add yours

  1. Tim says:

    That does it for me! I\’m on a mission.I\’m starting \’High-Five 101\’, a refresher course for the communications-impaired.Classes begin immediately.

  2. Corey says:

    kenny-i just came across your blog yesterday while i was at work and i went home last night and showed my boyfriend what you wrote (a broken man\’s plea: June 26…the first time u wrote since the accident). I printed it up and I took one to a couple of my friends and one to my boyfriend. I told them all about you and what you\’ve been through, yet you still have all this positive to give people. That particular writing from that day really had an impact on me because I\’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 mnths now. I\’m 24 years old. He has been the greatest thing that has happened for me and i have believed he is the one for me. Then, a couple weekends ago, he let his friends take over him and he got VERY drunk and acted incredibly stupid. But I forgave him and then the next weekend, he did it again. Here in the whole 6 months, he\’d never done anything like that. So this past weekend was a final straw for my patience. I called his dad and had a good talk with him (i needed a dad\’s opinion and mine is passed away) and then I had a long talk with my boyfriend. And so many of the points I told him were ones you mentioned in this entry. You said guys must make their girl more imp. than their boys. You said don\’t waste time being wasted. And so many other strong pointers. So I took him your entry and read it to him last night. I said this guy is awesome. No, I\’ve never met him, but he\’s a gorgeous young man, has everything going for him, happily in love, ENJOYS romancing a girl….and then this happens to him. No, his life\’s not over, but look at all the things he can\’t enjoy. I said yet he still is strong enough to change the lives of so many people. Him and I pray together every night and last night we said a special prayer for you. I know you don\’t want sympathy, but you are doing an AWESOME job at keeping your head up high. And I know good things will come to you because they come to those who wait. And you deserve nothing but the best. I believe there\’s a perfect girl out there for you and she won\’t have to go through all those things you think. I think she will know that there\’s nothing more wonderful than the emotional connection between a man and a woman. And you will find that. You are a very good-looking guy and your perfect match will be able to overlook your physical limitations. I know it and I added you to my prayer list that you keep your head high and meet the wonderful girl of your dreams. Best of luck to you. I\’d love an email from you if you have time.

  3. Spaces Out-Patient says:

    Hi I passed on by here through Paulines place, after reading your blog entry I was kinda thinking there\’s probably no comment I could add here that hasn\’t been said amongst the 94 comments you already have, and failing going through and bloody reading them all I guess I won\’t really know…. That said… I read your \’Things you miss most\’ list and noticed on there is something called \’self confidence\’… I think my friend you misjudged you…LOL.. Ok, nuff said…keep doing what ur doing chick…Eth 🙂 x

  4. chris says:

    Ok smalls…wheres the monopoly blog…? You can\’t let Mandy get one over on you.: ) Chris

  5. Unknown says:

    Kenny-Hope all is well-I hate to be one of those people that showers you with love! It is so against my whole being but we miss you! 😉

  6. Alyson says:

    never used to get tired of the "slap me high, slap me low, slap me in the middle, you\’re too slow!!" when i was ten and totally tubular.

  7. Joelle says:

    $mîlë Fø® ÿøü$mîllîng î§ înƒëçtîøü§: ¥øü çåtçh ît lîkë thë ƒlü.Whën §ømëønë §mîlëd åt më tødå¥, Î §tå®tëd §mîlîng tøø.Î Þ姧ëd å®øünd thë çø®në® & §ømëønë §åw m¥ g®în. Whën hë §mîlëd Î ®ëålîzëd Î\\\’d Þ姧ëd ît øn tø hîm.Î thøüght åßøüt thåt §mîlë thën Î ®ëålîzëd ît§ wø®th, å §înglë §mîlë, jü§t lîkë mînë çøüld t®åvël ®øünd thë ëå®th.$ø, îƒ ¥øü ƒëël å §mîlë ßëgîn, døn\\\’t lëåvë ît ündëtëçtëd.Lët\\\’§ §tå®t & ëÞîdëmîç qüîçk, & gët thë wø®ld înƒëtçëd!!KëëÞ thë §mîlë gøîng ߥ §ëndîng thî§ øn tø å ƒ®îënd.€v뮥ønë nëëd§ å §mîlë!!!Håvë å g®ëåt wëëkënd……këëÞ în tøüçh"εïз•·.·´¯`·.·•»❀ß ë ß ë t t ø❀«•·.·´¯`·.·•εïз"

  8. Kelly says:

    Am I number 100?? Kelly

  9. Beth says:

    Hi, Kenny! My favorite band in the whole world, O.A.R., was in St. Louis last night, so I was just giddy at work all day yesterday. I was walking down the hallway feeling a little goofy. You have to understand, my place of work is extremely professional. A coworker of mine was walking toward me – he\’s pretty cool, has a good sense of humor. We were about 20 feet from one another, and I did the slow-motion run (like in the movies when a couple is running toward eachother in a field) and lept in the air to give him a high-five. Just for you! My boss looked at us like we\’re crackheads, but it was worth it – I got a good laugh out of it, anyway. 🙂 I told him about bringing the high-five back, and after claiming he thought it never left, he vowed to do his best and at least keep it in the work place. :)Hope you have a wonderful weekend!Beth

  10. Leigh says:

    My boss and I high-five whenever we accomplish another season of tax season. That is a staple at our office.A job well done, a high-five. YEAH!

  11. Teresa says:

    Love the high-five! Also a huge fan of the banging chests together – I am sure it has a name, but it\’s beyond me at the moment. I myself am trying to bring back the thumbs up. I like it because it can be used in sarcasm. A thumb and a wry (which is word people don’t use often enough) smile – BAM instant mockery!And just so you know – I am the original label maker! My idea was to have it on business cards. “Hi my name is Teresa, here is my card.” But seeing as you developed it a lot further than I took the time to, I will give you 40% of the proceeds.

  12. Teresa says:

    Love the high-five! Also a huge fan of the banging chests together – I am sure it has a name, but it\’s beyond me at the moment. I myself am trying to bring back the thumbs up. I like it because it can be used in sarcasm. A thumb and a wry (which is word people don’t use often enough) smile – BAM instant mockery!And just so you know – I am the original label maker! My idea was to have it on business cards. “Hi my name is Teresa, here is my card.” But seeing as you developed it a lot further than I took the time to, I will give you 40% of the proceeds.

  13. Teresa says:

    sorry – published twice. operator error.

  14. Unknown says:

    Point well taken!!After services tomorrow, I will give our minister a five up high!! No more shallow meaningless hand shakes for me.

  15. »Ќαŧέ« says:

    So, I\’ve been meaning to come by here and leave something kinda quirky but I haven\’t been able to think of anything remotely close to quirkiness quality. Sleep deprivation tends to do that to me. Anyway, the one thing I can think of is from reading Mandy\’s blog about the mishap of the blue cheese. It is something that happened to me that\’s somewhat funny. After having a bit of the stomach flu last week I went into work and they had a table full of goodies. Well, silly me thinking my bouts with my new best friend the porcelain goddess were over went over and saw a green olive stuffed with something. I happen to love green olives, especially on pizza…whoops back to what I was typing, so I took one of the olives and I am sure if my stomach could think it would have cringed. I took the whole thing in my mouth, which was a huge, huge mistake. BLUE CHEESE stuffed in it. YUCK!. I happen to like blue cheese dressing (can\’t quite figure out how\’d you miss the chunks and think it would be ranch, but hm, oh well!) I know without a doubt I DO NOT like blue cheese and especially in green olives. There should be a law or something that those two never be in the same building together. The rest of the story, I will leave to your imagination. –LOL– Have a great night…err early morning? ~kate

  16. Unknown says:

    hey you…i think it\’s safe to say that we miss hearing from ya. hope all\’s well. laters.

  17. Nora says:

    Hi Kenny, hope you\’re having a great Sunday, take care k?

  18. Kandyce says:

    Hey Kenny,great entry—reminds me of my 31 year old big brother. He\’s always busting out the high fives—-I just laugh and slap!Quick question—what\’s up with Mandy\’s site? I can\’t log on and would like to say hey. Let me know if you have a second between replying to your millions of fans ;)Peace out—ha ha…yeah I just wrote thatKandyce

  19. chris says:

    Mandy….I have been trying to visit for several days now…Hope my fellow blog bitch is OK…Sorry smalls I know she comes here often…didn\’t know how else to reach out to her.: ) Chris

  20. Vicky says:

    Just a note to say HELLO after so long of not visiting you! i hope you are doing great!…and, where\’s Mandy? I\’m trying to return her comment and can\’t get into her space…Please, if you can, just let me know if she\’s ok!V

  21. Unknown says:

    Hey Handsome ~Just thought I\’d drop you a line … and tell you that I hope that all is well in your little part of the world. I still high five … but, then again, I still like the oldies (music).God bless you and keep you,Nae :o)

  22. Unknown says:

    Dear Pretty In Pink-I loved that movie and will forever think of you when I see it! And you can bet your ass I will thank Mandy!Kenny-I KNOW that you and Nate would have been great friends. I said in the first comment that I ever wrote on your blog that your thoughts and words echoed his so much. You guys eerily look alike to me ( maybe it is the eyebrows!) and reading your writings makes me not miss him so much. Plus the fact that you guys were paralyzed on the same day freakes me out completely. Alright Pretty Pretty Princess-off to work! Have a good day!

  23. says:


  24. Jalacious says:

    Those barbarians…to bring high-fives down to such deplorable depths.  In my defence, I must admit that I have a tendency to pluck out eyes…must be my glasses.
    Do you realize how hard it is to find you?  Seek you out and find numerous entries talking about you.  You\’ve got a lot of love flowing out there.  One misconception out there it that there is no hope.  There is always hope people.  When there is nothing left you still have hope.  Don\’t give up on Kenny and say there\’s no hope.  I won\’t.

  25. Brandi says:

    The best high-fives are the ones with a little kid…and then they giggle like crazy 🙂 The best. I think you\’re on to something here…ending terrorism? Sounds reasonable to me!

  26. Unknown says:

    You\’re a purist, Kenny. I\’ve got to respect that kind of genuine vision. And remember too that athletes and their audiences aren\’t exactly in the vanguard of originality.
    Now to be really cool, you\’ve got to rub elbows with the black dudes. While working a few jobs downtown, my friends would teach me stuff I couldn\’t come up with on my own in 100 years. Of course, I would forget it all by the time I got in the car.
    Then on the weekend, I\’d mangle whatever it was I\’d picked up. Looking at the girl I\’m trying to impress, saying, "You don\’t even realize how cool this is." And her scowl saying, plain as day,

  27. Dynoblog says:

    If you like cool oldies, check out this interactive video jukebox with fullscreen capability at Dynomusic Land.

  28. rick says:

    hi kenny, i met your parents at goodsam in april i think. i was in rehab for breaking my back the second time. they were so worried about you, i said you are young and strong and will be ok. the first time there was in 93, a tree fell on hwy 18, i stopped with tim moen to help a lofew guys cut and clear the road, next thing, i\’m laying on the ground and cant feel my feet, shithell, a young concrete truck driver died instantly, bad day, should have stayed at house i was framing. 2nd time i was riding my kickass 600 triple palaris a little too much gas and i rolled it down a 65\’ cliff, i remember 7 rotations, it was hurting bad, i figured this time i was checking out for good. it seemed like forever, at the bottom my buddy richard branch roared up and tipped me right side up and cut the seatbelt, oh ya i did a good job installing that bastard. velcro would have been a better option…no pain though,,i had tore the spine right off the pelvic bone, broke both legs, hairline neck fracture. originaly was a T7 para.rode busted sled to hwy, buddy took me to goodsams, one x-ray and chopper ride to harbor view, cold, dark shakey ride. i\’d like to get cup of joe with ya someday. take care, rick roos

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