“And I remember being younger and my mother told me true

Find someone who grows flowers in the darkest parts of you

Take heed when things get hard and don’t you ever turn around

‘Cause you’ll find someone, someday, somewhere that grows you to the clouds”

– Sun to Me, Zach Bryan

Next month will mark 11 years since a certain blue-eyed occupational therapy student walked into my life for an interview for a caregiving position. Of course, everyone and their mother has heard about “The Secret” she spilled a few short months later that kicked off our life together, but what folks often forget about is the hole I was in when she first showed up.

A bit of improper positioning just days after The Here and Now Project‘s very first event had caused a pressure sore and led to a stint of bedrest that would ultimately rob me of my entire summer. Though this particular hole wasn’t as deep as previous ones, it felt significantly darker because I’d finally gotten a glimpse of what my life could look like in the wake of Kristen’s death. But Life, in all its Infinite and Inexplicable Wisdom, decided to clear my dance card for the foreseeable future.

It was a crossroads, one of those pivotal points where I had to take an honest inventory of how I was approaching all aspects of my life, and where I wanted to go. I vividly remember opening up a blank word document on the wall-mounted computer in my bedroom and titling it, “Who I Want To Be.” At the top of the page, I wrote out a personal mission statement and a list of goals. I gave myself permission to dream as big as possible, yet still subconsciously ordering them in such a way that they were more likely to unfold. At the very bottom, I typed out my biggest hope of all:

Find love again in a strong, service centered woman and start a family.

In my heart of hearts, it felt a bit far-fetched to think that I would get another chance at love after having such a bright light shined on me once. But I left it on the list and went about my mundane spring, lying flat on my back for 20+ hours a day, sitting up only long enough to eat, pound a protein shake, and brush my teeth or wash my hair.

I spent the rest of my time binge-watching shows between serious program work with some of my trusted spiritual mentors, consisting of introspective journaling sessions analyzing how I’d gotten to where I was, and how I wanted to live moving forward. Little did I know, a Scandinavian Gemini with a disarmingly sunny disposition and an affinity for floral prints was about to enter my orbit and permanently alter my path.

Of course, a sizable age gap (and the fact that she was an employee) kept me from entertaining any real thoughts beyond admiring her from afar early on. But as the first few weeks wore on, and I learned more about deep-rooted love for her family and her unshakable desire to be a mother, I noticed myself subconsciously looking forward to every one of her shifts.

And then sometime around October I started to notice that she was extra spunky every time I saw her, and seemed to hang out longer than required of her time, tagging along for trips to dinner or ice cream whenever one the Bobbseyes relieved her. It was a brief bit of stolen eye-contact in the rearview mirror in the van during one of her patented Impromptu Van Dance Parties when she’d crank up Jeremih’s “Don’t Tell ‘Em” and start bouncing around in the drivers seat that finally caught my attention, and I started to wonder, Is this chick… flirting with me?

A few days later she uttered the now famous line one night while putting me to bed, and the next morning I made the best decision of my life by firing an employee.

And here we are just over a decade later, and the life I have today is at a level I would not have even thought possible when she first wandered in my world. She’s been by my side through so many ups and downs, pushing me both literally and figuratively to find that extra gear to chase my fullest potential once and for all.

She’s not perfect, and never claims to be. She’s the EQ to my IQ, all shifting hormones and fiery feelings to my rigid logic and analytical mind. An analog girl with a digital guy, but it works, and she continues to balance me out as we raise this fascinating (and mildly feral) four-year-old that is an equally imperfect mix of the two of us. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted, so anything else is just icing on the cake.

But lately it seems like the universe is revealing a path directly aimed at all of the other goals I thought I needed to achieve before I could possibly have found a love like this. And that’s why I have taken to introducing her as more than my bride, but also my muse. She’s the first one who reads my emails, blogs, and published articles, and the only one I truly want to impress, and I will be forever grateful to whatever Higher Power exists that so graciously breathed her into my life.

Happy birthday, babe. I wouldn’t want to do life with anyone else.