We need labels…

Don’t you just LOVE pharmaceutical drug commercials?  You know those commercials.  The ones that always end with some guy quickly muttering the contents of the warning label attached to the drug:

"Possible side effects include; headache, nausea, blurred vision, hemorrhaging from the ears, explosive diarrhea, heart and/or kidney failure, the rotting of sexual organs to the point they fall off, even a small alien with a top hat jumping out of your stomach, and dancing a la Spaceballs."

All of this to cure pinkeye, or something like that. And what follows?  They tell you to consult a doctor before trying said medication.  A doctor?  Screw that, I’m contacting a priest! CRIPES!!!  I mean, I would kind of like to know if my attempting to clear up a staph infection is going to invoke the Apocalypse! I don’t care what is ailing you, those labels make you feel like the costs aren’t nearly worth the benefits.  But hey, at least you know EXACTLY what you are getting yourself into, right?  Now, wouldn’t it be just peachy if prospective suitors came with such labels?

Just think of how much easier dating would be, if we all came with labels.  You would never have to worry about underlying issues again.  All of your shortcomings would be broadcast to your possible love interest in the moment the first date began.  Of course, everyone has their flaws, so it would be rather awkward at first.  But after a few dates of hearing peoples’ warning labels, one would quickly realize which problems could be overlooked, and which were deal breakers.

For example, imagine two people meeting up for a blind date.  Usually, their mutual friends would gush over how compatible the two would be, but this system makes that practice completely obsolete.  Instead of that awkward "getting to know you" conversation at the beginning of dinner, each person’s warning label would sound off in the other person’s mind upon first eye contact.  Maybe the guy’s label would go something like this:

"This person severely dislikes cats, seafood, and especially Tara Reid.  He is an overall picky eater, with a serious sugar addiction.  He has been known to watch the film Caddyshack repeatedly just for the "Dalai Lama" scene.  Please consult your friends before dating this person."

And the girl’s would sound, oh I don’t know, something like this:

"This person severely dislikes anyone’s friends and family, especially those of the female persuasion.  She is an overall compulsive liar, with a serious personality disorder.  She has been known to fake serious medical conditions such as pregnancies and cancers in order to salvage relationships.  Please consult… f*ck it, let’s be honest… RUN AWAY!  AS FAST AS YOU CAN, RUN AWAY!!!"

Now hopefully, the male half of the duo would heed that warning, and save himself one hell of a tumultuous relationship.  Don’t you see? Life would be SO much easier, if we could forego wasting so much time only to find out that the other person is OBVIOUSLY not right for us.  Granted, we would also probably lose the whole "live and learn" aspect of being in relationships, but I never said this system was perfect.  If nothing else, it would at least be advantageous to avoid the ridiculous mismatches that are only recognized when it’s too late.  It’s early, it will definitely be a work in progress. 

100 Comments Add yours

  1. Molly says:

    LOL. I always get a chuckle when watching TV and they reel off those "side effects" – suddenly the reason you need to take whatever it is doesn\’t seem quite so bad, does it?! too funny.label me …

  2. debs says:

    while sometimes i think it would be great to have labels on some ppl, like murderers and child molesters.. For the most part i\’d rather not because then you\’d miss out on learning about the things you liked about the people you meet, which lead to you having experiences. Just my two cents 🙂

  3. Adam says:

    I just want a tag that says some of the more serious ones like "could be a crazy cat lady" or "likely to stab you in the middle of the night"the rest of em I can deal with like "likes to nag" or "talks excessively\’it would just be nice to find out the dangerous ones first!take it easyAdam

  4. ZINA says:

    Another short note to let you know that I\’ve linked you to my page. If you\’re averse to that let me know and you\’ ll be instantly removed. Thanks z

  5. A says:

    Oh my, what a twist! I would love that to happen where labels were attached to people who wanted to date.

  6. Yolanda says:

    Best space I\’ve ever read. I did a bit of everything here. I laughed, I cried, I smiled, felt sorry for you, then felt sorry for myself. Then got pissed off, then thought screw this. Its like 4 seasons in one day. I added you space to my favourites and will be back reading, smiling, crying, lauging and all those good things again. There are so many things I wish to ask you. Now i think it will be so good if you can visit me here, in australia, yeah I know you think, whats up with this chick. I dont wanna date you hehe, I might have my cousin in mind for that. Ok now Im just rambling and I think Im gonna stop now. I dont know if you use messenger, but if you do you may add me. Most of all I want to take you to the beach so you can smell the sea, but at night, when all seems peacefull. Now now, I dont wanna seduce you at the beach at night lol Im married ok. But I wish just to smell the sea. Oh God, now I\’ve really rambled. So i\’ll just go now.I am burning a candle for you right now, not because I feel sorry for you, but because I can and I want to and because I love burning candles. Once I almost burned down the kitcken, but thats a story for another timeLoveYolanda

  7. Yolanda says:

    OMG I just saw how long that comment was. sowwy

  8. Nora says:

    Good morning good morning! Time for another funny stuff! Oh ok, you don\’t feel like it? *Blinks* Oh well, I\’ll wait. *waits and blinks again* Lol! Have a nice weekend Kenny! Tc!

  9. Kelly says:

    Label:This person likes dogs only (no cats) but not so much that they take over an entire house, eats hot & spicy food that may lead to stomach grumblings and flatulence later, and drinks enough coffee to support Columbian coffee growers all on her own. She will make all conversations about herself, but will make you laugh in the process as she has no problem making fun of herself. She has been known to call in "sick" just to watch the a full season of a show she can\’t watch because she doesn\’t have cable (like "Sex in the City" or "The Sopranos") and she can quote entire poems. Sometimes at your refusal. Caution! Caution!

  10. Amy says:

    OK…Who\’s the guy that went on that blind date with me?!And I swear I thought I was pregnant!!

  11. Unknown says:

    Hey thereI wouldn\’t want people to know about me… But I\’d want to know about people!Lol. Girls are\’nt that bad, are they?

  12. Sarah says:

    I could totally see this as a Saturday Night Live skit. I laughed the whole time reading it. Very creative and witty. I really enjoyed your hook about the medical warnings. Not only are your blogs very entertaining but all the cyberspace drama that ensues is also quite the show; though I am sure annoying at times. Anyway, great blog!

  13. Zarela says:

    have a nice evening !Besos Zarela

  14. »Ќαŧέ« says:

    I had an incident happen today when I was getting some lunch and I immediately thought of your label entry. The guy literally plowed into me. I almost fell over, I\’m not a wimp, but I am pretty small compared to this guy. I had been watching where I was going because I have a tendency to be kinda clumsy *blush*, I hate to even admit that one. Anyway, from out of nowhere here comes this guy barreling down the corridor, I tried moving and I wasn\’t quick enough. I fell back a bit, almost on my butt, but managed to catch myself, surprisingly since I had heels on. I looked at him, thinking he was going to apologize, the jerk said "Watch where you are going, would ya!" His face was even red when he said it, so I musta really P\’d him off or something.I was appalled, I was going to say something but someone the other day reminded me to kill people with kindness, so I just smiled politely and said you have a really nice smile. About the dumbest thing I think I could have thought of to say. Oh well. He just stared at me grunted something, and stormed off. I thought he should have a label on saying, WARNING: male hell bent on wheels, look out, will run over any innocent bystander that gets in his way. His bite is definitely as bad as his bark. Oops, now I clogged your blog. -kate

  15. Deb says:

    I guess I missd whatever drama went on here recently. Darn, I am always missing out on the good stuff. LOLEveryone, just play nicely.Take care,Deb

  16. Carly says:

    My father works for a pharmaceuticals company and they help a lot of people and you shouldn\’t be picking on them! No I am just kidding (a little sarcastic i am) and i aways wonder about the people who test the drugs to find these things out.I would have also saved a lot of time in life if boyfriends or potentail ones came with warnings. The question would then be about human nature and if we really did have these warning labels would there still be fools who believed that they could change them. Like no matter how many times your mother told you something was hot you still had to touch it, just to be sure.

  17. »Ќαŧέ« says:

    My question I loathe is "So, how does that make you really feel?" *rolls eyes*. This is my third one btw, the other two I believe I made feel incompetent, this one isn\’t too bad actually, he looks like a total dweeb. (ouch a long time since I said that word!) Um, me kneeing this guy, he WAS like 6\’4, I\’m 5\’3! HELLO not good odds! Nor easy to knee. And me being nice, uh yeah a new thing for me. I have a problem using the \’F\’ word, and a few other choice ones, but since I am turning over this whole new leaf thingy, I figure why not give being nice a try too. Aha I miss my other way sometimes. *grins* I still can be feisty! I think I was afraid the guy would deck me or something and I happen to like my face the way it is. Thus telling him he had a nice smile when in fact he had not even anything remotely similar to a smile. It had to be a blond moment! -kate

  18. »Ќαŧέ« says:

    I had to laugh at your 2nd comment. Now DON\’T get any ideas, that is MY word! Ha! I might let ya borrow it. *grinning* I have this whole Kateism\’s and my own vocabulary. Am I gonna have to trademark that one too? Ha! -Kate

  19. Mandy says:

    Thanks Kenny!You know I over-exaggerate in person! It\’s hard to turn my exaggerated, crazy tales into blogs. I tried!And, thanks for telling all my fans about my looks…though, my only readers are females! You are the only guy that comments! And…you probably feel obligated cause you are my friend! :)So…speaking of stories being awaited…you still haven\’t written about Kaiser, Monopoly and a few others you mentioned way back when! So don\’t give me crap! :)~Chicken Wings!

  20. Mandy says:

    Don\’t be nervous!How can she resist your charm!hahahaha!

  21. DEBORAH says:

    Hello!I left a comment a waaaaay long time ago and am continually amazed at the response you continue to receive. I continue to check back regularly to laugh, cry, wince, or roll my eyes at what you\’ve written. It seems so many of us have an opinion one way or the other, about what your writings. I\’ve thought a lot about what makes your story so particularly compelling and why the outpouring of comments has been so huge… First of all, your experiences are beautifully described in your writings. Your talent is obvious, duh!Your love for your family and friends is poignantly real. Your physical limitations as a result of your accident are a terrifying reminder of just how precarious is our existence on this earth.We want to find that one true kindred spirt with whom to spend the rest of our lives. You have me totally hooked. I guess that would be my new label!Debbi

  22. Lou says:

    Wow, you, sir, are an excellent writer. I\’m impressed. Really enjoyed reading your stuff.

  23. Laura says:

    kate~ when a man is THAT much taller, you don’t kick him in the balls, you punch him……… Labels…………….I am SURE mine would start with WARNING bla bla blame :o)

  24. Kirsten says:

    I have been told on more than one occasion that my label says %@#& off! Unless he\’s cute, of course! 😉

  25. Colleen says:

    I visit your site often, but I am like many that read your blog, pleased. My comments don\’t rank in the "saved" category, and that\’s okay … but every now and then, I need to say hello … kind of like when you go back to your hometown … you stop in to see your friends because you wouldn\’t want them to find out you had been in town and didn\’t say hello.So, I\’m saying … hello, how the heck are you?Colleen

  26. Cuca says:

    Ola!It would be easier and very convenient , but I guess we learn a lot with mismatches too.Portuguesinha

  27. Bobbi-Jo says:

    Hello there,That was too funny !!! Keep up the good work…

  28. Sarah says:

    Oh how I wish that men came with labels. It might freak me out though to read them. And I guess figuring them out on your own is part of the fun. But it sure would save me alot of time!

  29. Unknown says:

    вαвуgιяℓ ωαѕ нєяє вυт иσω ѕнє ιѕ gσиєѕнє ℓєfт тнιѕ ѕρα¢є тσ ¢αяяу σитσ тнσѕє ωнσ киσω нєя киσω нєя ωєℓℓ вυт тσ тнσѕє ωнσ ∂σи\’т..ωєℓℓ ωнαт тнєнєℓℓ..((ѕмιℓє)) ¢σмє ву αи∂ ℓєανє уσυя мαяк

  30. Unknown says:

    Heehee, that was awesome!! I think it\’s a good idea. You should put a pattent on it and start production right away! We all need a warning lable as soon as possible!!Take Care,Amy

  31. Bethany says:

    I read somewhere a long time ago about this program you can install into your cell phone, I guess they have it in Japan. It was so long ago I may have the details messed up but the overall idea is you fill out surveys all about yourself, personality, and relationship style and the program saves your results. When someone else with the program in their phone is near you, and the survey results are a good "love match", the phone\’s "beep" or notify the both of you somehow. Imagine that? Labels taken to the next level 😉 There\’s some useful technology for ya!

  32. tina says:

    *lil yawn*nite kenny*sweet dreams~

  33. Patricia says:

    Literally, on my ride home the other night – I thought man, if only there was a label – where did i hear that before? hahaha – Blog on my mind! Thanks it made a hard situation actually funny! Hope you are well! -patti

  34. Unknown says:

    MY LABEL TO KENNY…I want to be a mermaid… I used to be a heartbreaker but recently gave that career up. Truth is I\’m a sweetheart once you get to know me – that is if I give you the chance…LOL – Don\’t get me wrong, I\’m nice to everyone but keep your distance, the Muskrat (what my Mom calls me) is independent and likes her space. I have very dear true friends and they are my world. I would gladly die for them, loyal till the end – actually I have pee\’d on each of their legs to mark my territory (You know who you are… hah!). I love my family more than life and often wonder how I ended up so crazy considering my healthy, happy childhood; I guess I \’ll blame that on too many "experiments" in college. I\’m intense, seem to find trouble around every corner, laugh all the time, smile when I cry… I\’m obsessed with water – Read my blogs, every one of them has water as a metophor – living, loving, dying…I can sum it all up with a reference to my favorite fluid 😉 I want to find Atlantis, I don\’t lie, even when the truth hurts, I have been known to steal but only hearts and I\’m working on making amends for that. I\’ve been told I make cute noises in my sleep, I love to kiss the back of a man\’s neck, I hate drama, I\’m amused by confusion, hate clowns and dalmations, sports turn me on, I can be frisky and bite, I love to close my eyes and feel the wind on my face, I cook like a crazy Italian grandma – yummy. My house is always open to those in need (OK I guess it depends on your need – stop asking to come over because you "need" to see me and talk when really you "need" to get laid – I have a true passion for life even though I think a lot about death. I\’ve loved with all my heart, I\’ve lost with every fiber of my being, and I don\’t regret it. SEE- SOME GIRLS DO COME WITH LABELS. MINE IS JUST VERY LONG :)CRYSTIE

  35. Darlene says:

    Sooooo????? Will try and call you later!There\’s a full moon tonight by the way!

  36. Lucia says:

    Kenny, this is so funny! great idea, and it reminded me of a guy I was dating a while ago who instead of a label, told me that I should come with an "instruction manual"…….. can you believe it? he must have thought I\’m a very complicated person, lol (he\’s right, btw) Needless to say it never worked out between us :pHope you have a great week!

  37. Kristi says:

    Ever thought of becoming a rapper Kenny? If these guys can doit without thier disability holding them back… you sure could! This is quite interesting… check it out! http://www.consumptionjunction.com/content/detail.asp?ID=49723&type=1&page=1*huggles* Kristi

  38. Patricia says:

    HI Kenny – Hoping you are doing well. My best -patti

  39. Laura says:

    *Hands Kenny the Blog unclogger* I think you need this! ………*Eye brows up, eye roll* Umm hummLaura

  40. Unknown says:

    Its definitely your talent that keeps me coming back for more. You\’ve got such an awesome personality!

  41. Erin says:

    I saw a guy at the gym last night with a shirt that said "I\’m a Keeper". I had to laugh out loud. Talk about labels!Quote for today on my calendar:My life is for itself and not for spectacle…What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think.Ralph Waldo EmersonI thought this was appropriate for your blog.Go Astros!

  42. Yolanda says:

    I took some pills today, I had a migrane. I think I spelt that wrong, lets blame it on the drugs hehe

  43. Janet says:

    Hi Kenny – Hope you are doing fine.~Janet~

  44. dying2die says:

    hi .. God bless u .. well i think lets learn abt ourselves and yes seek to understand than to b understood .. passby my space sometimesGod heal u on my expense.. amen

  45. Georgia says:

    Yes please, especially needed as you get older and don\’t want to play games or waste time anymore!!!Take care, Gx

  46. Nora says:

    Hey Kenny, hope things are well for you. Keep smiling 🙂

  47. Kendra says:

    Kenny~ I just read this entry today about labels and I couldn\’t agree more with you. I was just glancing at my high school yearbook, why I have no idea, and there was one word that everyone used, SWEET, and I thought how strange? I had never noticed it before. Everyone, liars or not, had used the same word to "label" me and I thought…really? me? sweet? Then I thought if I was/am such a sweet, nice and caring girl then why do I inflict the flight response of so many males? I mean why can\’t I get a date? Is it because I am too nice? Too cute? Every guy thinks I am taken but I am not? Too forward? Too independant? Oh if someone could just read my damn label and tell me what the hell I am broadcasting that would be ever so helpful! Obviously my label is too small for my old eyes to read anymore! ;)Take care!~Kendra

  48. Unknown says:

    hey you, haven\’t read anything from ya in awhile. hope all is well. take care.

  49. says:

    I come from China.I am reading your story here.take care.

  50. Christina says:

    Haha..! Good one!!Think that my label would be one big warning..!.."dont even think about it"!I´m too loud, too impulsive and too much!And I got a big collection of weird animals in vivariums & a thing for monkeys..dont ask!- The Dalai Lama scene is a classic!!Thanks for keeping your blog by the way!!:)Hasta la vista dude!Christina

  51. Daniela says:

    Love the idea, keep \’em coming!

  52. Unknown says:

    I know that I would have been better off if I knew exactly what it was I was getting into when I asked my first girlfriend to marry me.  Boy oh boy was that a mistake.  But some of us cannot read the warning signs when she says "It will get better when we are engaged."  So there I was engaged as a freshman in college and I completely missed the warning label.

  53. Mendy says:

    Oh my god! I know her! lol

  54. Brandi says:

    lol….I like the way you think 🙂
    Well, truth is, I think that relationships are a journey…people need to work on things, and sometimes having you along for the ride can help them out. I am very good at reading labels, and if I had run every time I had seen a warning sign in someone…I\’d be a very lonely, unhappy camper 🙂
    lol…..But I know this was tongue-in-cheek and I thought it was cute and funny 🙂 Thanks!

  55. Vanessa says:

    Ciao my friend! How are you? I love seeing that you have stopped by my space! It always makes me smile! 🙂 THIS blog is HILARIOUS man, and OH how true! Though I am not sure my husband would be with me today, had I come with a warning label! LOL  You are awesome!

  56. Unknown says:

    I want presidents to start coming with these, too:
    — Leaking may occur.
    — Syntax may be garbled.
    — Logic impairment and mental lassitude are common.
    — Discontinue use in the case of:
    1. Chronic red ink
    2. Eruption of overseas civil war
    3. Irritability among friends.
    — DO NOT USE with heavy military machinery.

  57. jackie says:

    Well I keep coming back to Kenny\’s site=I hate some words like hell-hate the word inspirational too so I won\’t say it\’s that-it just kinda rocks-even though I hate rock-but there\’s tpnms to go thru in here-well damn kenny you do look like a movie star-not brad pitt-hes damn ugly-has a rats nose-i\’m from toronto and wonder if u have been here-believe me canadian women are not good looking so ur not missong that much but the sports stuff is good-I do like how ur site kicks ass and isnt some polyanna garbage i see at so many other sites-it\’s real-now kenny do u have an outfit like the guy on south park-if not I can send you one-I wish my name was kenny-cool name–jack

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